Ben Wasserstein's account in Slate on the recent citrus alcohol boom reminds me of an add campaign that a few of us came up with a while back. At some point I plan to actually make these ads in one form or another, but I thought I would give you a teaser.

For those of you in the cultural foxhole, heavy liquor labels (as well as some beer producers) are begining to market alcoholic drinks that taste as little like beer as possible. The problem is that if beer is a man's drink, then the avoidance of beer tragically sends signals that the drinker is somewhat less than manly. What if an ad campaign got some mileage out of this:


[MAN 1 and MAN 2 sit by the curb. MAN 1 looks very depressed]

MAN 2: What's wrong, Man 1?

MAN 1: My wife is threatening to leave me because I have erectile dysfunction. My kid doesn't want to go to the art museum with me anymore, and when my daughter decided to redecorate her room, she asked me to be her interior decorator. And I willingly bought a beige car. Beige! What was I thinking?

M2: Ouch, man, that's harsh. Look at the bright side.

M1: What bright side??

M2: Now that you've been utterly stripped of your manhood, you are free to guiltlessly enjoy Flamewater Cooljooce, Flamewater's new alternative to beer, whisky, and everything else remotely masculine.

M1: Hot diggity, you're right! Now I can enjoy alcohol like real men do without having to actually taste it!

[M1 tries to hug M2, M2 resists]

M2: [in background] C'mon, man, not in public, and put the drink on the other side from me...

ANNOUNCER: Flamewater Cooljooce, helping girly men feel better about themselves!

---

[YOUNG MAN enters LIVING ROOM with an arm behind his back]

YOUNG MAN: Mom, Dad, I have something I need to tell you.

Dad: What's that, son?

Mom: You know you can always talk to us.

YM: Well... [brings the arm that was behind his back in front, he is holding a bottle of Flamewater Cooljooce]

Dad: Son! Are you... sure?

Mom: Huh? Are you saying you're an alcoholic?

YM: No, mom. Look closely at the bottle in my hand. It's Flamewater Cooljooce, the malty beverage that tastes cool and refreshing, and as little like real alcohol as humanly possible...

Mom: Huh? I don't...

Dad: He's gay, Martha. He's telling us that he's gay.

YM: That's exactly right, Dad. I do not feel confined to society's vision of masculinity in my sex life or my choice in alcoholic drink. No beer for me, I'm gay. I enjoy touching and being touched by other men, as evidenced by the drink in my hand.

Dad: Son... I'm so proud of you for being able to tell us. That took real courage.

Mom: Oh, this is so wonderful. Suzie at the bridge club has a son who is gay. Maybe I can give you his number...

[Group hug]

ANNOUNCER: Flamewater Cooljooce, bringing families closer together and allowing men to announce to the world: I'm gay!