When my CDs were stolen in August, I wrote this letter to the thief. It's sad that I can basically have a template for people stealing my stuff, but oh well. Presented and adjusted for the new thief who took a lot more than just my CDs (green is new stuff, strikethrough is what the replaced text said):


Dear Person That Stole A Black Binder of CDs From Robbed Me Fraggin' Blind By Smashing The Window Of A Gold Ford Escort in the Parking Lot At Briarwood Apartments in Houston

At first I thought that I had misplaced them it was the weather that punched through the windshield, which was the case last time I thought someone stole my CDs is the case in the nice little world in which I like to delude myself into thinking I live, which is thoroughly unpopulated with scum-sucking maggots.. Turns out that isn't the case, the CDs were stolen and you exist. Congratulations on your procurement of over 80 CDs from my illustrious collection. As you will notice, most of them are not the original CDs but rather ones burned on my computer. Unfortunately for you, that means you don't get track lists that come with some of the CDs. Luckily for you, when the last scum-sucking maggot took my CDs I decided to start printing the track lists on them. Lucky you. Those are mostly the songs I have chosen from the various performers I enjoy. You have most likely not heard of most of them, which provides you an excellent opportunity to aquaint yourself with many of Texas's best musicians. The CDs I most recomment are ones by Phil Pritchett, Two of the three are actually originals that I will need to go out and buy again, but that's okay. You can make it up to me by playing it for all your friends so that they can hear all the majesty that is Phil. If you really enjoy the CDs, there are some additional songs available on his web site . I recommend Feeling Port Aransas, which is on the "Hum" CD. Luke Skywalker is also well-recieved.I would also strongly recommend "Beautiful Day," but that's a song about giving thanks to God for your gifts and not stealing other people's crap. Don't worry, though, Phil only has two faith-based songs, so feel free to listen to the rest of his songs to your hellbent heart's content.

There are too many great artists for me to name all of the good ones. One way you can tell is by quantity. If they are store-bought, it means I once liked it enough to buy the entire thing. Good stuff. If they get two CDs that don't have the same handwritten title, that means that I like them enough that my favorite songs don't fit on a single CD. If there are two CDs delineated by Version numbers (ie Great Divide v1 and v2) they are going to mostly contain the same music. I reburned them because I didn't like the track order. That means that I care enough about the artist that I wanted a better homebrewed CD, so they're good, too. If there is only one CD in there of an artist, you may want to give it a listen. If the original copy is in there, that means I liked it enough to buy the whole shebang, so you had better appreciate them, asswipe. Sadly, you probably disdain country music, otherwise I'd recommend a song by Jason Boland called "Shot Full of Holes" which is about a guy who is a fucking thief. You should be able to relate.I'm afraid there is a strong lack of rap, but you should get your fill of songs about fellow criminals and degenerates from some of the country stuff. Think Guy Clark and Steve Earle.

There is also one that I would particularly like to recommend. My best friend since the first grade Jason has two CDs in there under the band name Courtesy Flush. One from mp3.com and another that was homemade. His music is reminiscent of They Might Be Giants or Barenaked Ladies. Please give him a listen and if you like him, show him off to all your friends. It's really good stuff. "Smith's Severed Head" is a particular favorite and what I usually recommend for people I know to download from his site. If you take free stuff from other peoples' cars, the least you can friggin' do is take some of his music from online so he gets more hits and downloads.

Anyhow, I'm not bitter and honestly hope that you enjoy all the CDs you've gotten. Give them a listen. You won't be disappointed, dickhead.

Of course, you're probably going to pass right over my illustrious CD collection for my laptop. It's a standard IBM Thinkpad, though nearly a year old. If you go into the "Works" directory, you'll see a lot of writing by yours truly. There are three, count'em three (if you can count to three, you illiterate punk) novels in there (if you are not in fact illiterate, you illiterate punk). Unfortunately, none of the three are about grass-fornicating career criminals, so you may not be able to relate. The main character from my second novel breaks the law, though. Not sure if you'd like it, however, since he kills little fucktards like you. It also has themes of redemption and faith. Sorry, nothing about stealing other peoples' shit. Maybe next novel.

Have the best time you possibly can burning in Hell,
Alex

PS: My friend Brian says: "You skum fucking sheep's bladder, I hope your mom's head explodes all over you, and all your children are afflicted with Down's Syndrom -- Worse than yours. Asshole."

PPS: Not that I'm angry, cause if I get angry the terrorists win.