I wrote this one a while back when I was feeling a bit down on the state of the blogosphere. It's not one of my nicer posts, but I was reminded today by a little gnat I shall call Number Four that I am on the fringe. Being a rabid partisan means that you don't have to be nice to anyone. And being a blogger means that I can be holier-than-thou with my fellow partisans.

Mr. Moderate Republican - I am a proud Republican and I stand by my President even though I spend over half of my columns burnishing my moderate credentials by bashing him and his supporters. I spend an inordinate amount of time talking about Intelligent Design and Stem Cell Research because I am demonstrating that I am quite clearly not a rabid righty like the President's supporters (except me, cause I support the president, post after post denigrating him aside).

Mr. Moderate Liberal - I am a moderate liberal, as evidenced by the fact that I don't call Shrub Chimpy McBushitler. I approvingly link to such incendiary blogs as Daily Kos and Eschaton and then complain, because they can make points that I can't because I'm so Moderate. I subtlely imply that Republicans are biased against minorities, quoting fringe right figures to make my case, but then complain ceaselessly when fringe lefty figures are used to suggest that I am unpatriotic. I haven't actually heard anyone reputable call me unpatriotic recently, but I find someone unreputable and then speak as though they represent my opponents as a whole, thus allowing me to say anything I want about how bad our foreign policy is and how malignant our government is while escaping the possibility that my view of the United States might, just might, be more skeptical than that of the average American.

Mr. Fairweather Libertarian - Like Mr. Moderate Republican, I am not like those Republicans that are captives of the religious right. Even after they've betrayed their principles, I believe in smaller government - except when I don't. For instance, even though I complain about Bush's deficits, I also complain that the federal government is not funding Stem Cell Research. I also support forcing pharmacies to carry out prescriptions they disagree with because I support government coersion when it makes my life more convenient. Like Mr. Moderate Moderate, I erroneously suggest that the Republicans are going to pay at the polls for their stance on gay marriage despite the popularity of that position. I can't vote Democrat, but I'm going to annoy the Republicans to death in exchange for my vote. Then I'll wonder why they don't listen to me when it comes to Supreme Court picks.

Mr. Moderate Democrat - I am a moderate in the true sense of the word. I may be pro-life or in favor of social security privitization. I was probably in favor of the War against Iraq before I was against it. I support moderate Democrats and oppose fringe ones within the party. The only problem is that this makes me not-a-team-player, so I compensate for this by being so rabidly partisan that my relatively moderate views on the issues are roughly worth the pile of monkey-spit our President upchucks on a daily basis. I twist logic to the point that I am arguing that the party that overwhelmingly voted against CAFTA is free trade because the president who pushed through CAFTA previously had steel teriffs for that he has since repealed. Or I argue that the party that wants to make abortion widely available is more pro-life than the party that wants to limit abortion because the latter opposes free day care for everybody. I am desperate to be important and included on these all-important conference calls, but since I don't actually believe in socialized medicine, an aggressive welfare state, and that abortion is morally neutral, they won't let me. :( No matter, I just turn up the volume until they have to let me.

Mr. Warhawk - I've never served in the military, though I own multiple guns and am capable of service. I nonetheless support them in every possible way that includes the Internet. I call President Bush names because he hasn't invaded Syria and Iran yet - hasn't he seen my map on how I would partition Saudi Arabia? I live up to every stereotype liberals make about hawks as I constantly try to prove my manhood by being more hawkish than the other super-warhawks. I may or may not have voted for Bush in 2004. It was a tough call because he's such a weenie with all his "Islam is not evil" babble. To avoid sounding too singular-minded, I'll throw in something about deficits even as I complain that he's not invading more countries by now.

Mr. Republican Loyalist - I never stop talking about how the Democrats don't stand for anything and yet I'm at a loss as to what we stand for anymore. Small government, what's that? We can't even take a stand against illegal immigration anymore, and while I may carp I'll find some way - any way - to convince myself that it's all for the best. I post all the time about how biased the media is, conveniently making it so that everything they say that backs up our worldview is made in spite of the bias and therefore more credible while anything they say that opposes our worldview is irrelevent when you consider the (biased! liberal!) source. At least once a week I find some overlooked fact and present it as Yet More Definitive Proof that the media is gently manipulating everything to make us look bad. We make no mistakes - only do things that require a good deal more effort to figure out why they're right.

Mr. Wacko Lefty - HALLIBURTON! The president is too stupid to live and yet cunning enough to manipulate everybody into following his anti-human, anti-earth agenda. Despite overwhelming evidence in the form of an object lesson last year about who has the deeper reserves when turnout is high, DIEBOLD! I believe that we can win by getting the base out to vote. I believe that we're turning into a fascist nation run by theocrats, and yet miraculously I have not chosen to leave the country. I explain at great length on the blog that the government doesn't really care that I have about how we really live in a police state. I live up to every unpatriotic, anti-American stereotype that the right throws at us and yet believe that the moderates are responsible for losing our elections - yet still get approving nods from moderate Democrats because I get all the links. I denegrate middle America at every opportunity and then wonder why they don't vote for my preferred candidate. I somehow believe that Bush stole the 2004 and yet consider myself part of the "reality-based community." HALLIBURTON!

Mr. Moderate Moderate - I am socially liberal and economically conservative. Despite a complete lack of evidence, I believe that my views are politically popular because the media keeps telling me so - until it comes time to act on that 'economically conservative' part. I used to be in favor of gun control until I found out that it's an unpopular view and I hate holding unpopular views because I stand for the Common Sense Center - whatever it is that the media tells me that they stand for. I am pro-choice because I believe that what happens in our bedrooms should stay in our bedrooms. I am against television regulation because I believe that sex should not actually stay in our bedrooms. I prove that I'm not a closet conservative by dedicating time and energy in opposition to the Religious Right. I also vaguely oppose the left. I show how reasonable and sensible I am by quoting only the most extreme members of each party. The partisans don't like me, but that's okay, because Mr. Moderate Republican and Mr. Maverick lust after my approval.

Mr. Maverick - I am a party member that opposes everything that my party stands for. I have additional credibility, though, because I am a member of the party that I am bashing. I pretend like they could easily win me back if they only ceased to stand for everything they've stood for for the past twenty years while I was, apparently, napping. I don't know why my party has left me by taking positions that oppose the positions that they never really held and yet I claim to have always believed. Basically, I disagree with whatever my party's opinion on the Iraq War is and can't come to terms with that, so instead of admitting that it is my views that are conflicted, I somehow twist logic on its head and come out of this believing that I am the one that is ideologically consistent.

Mr. Snarky - I am a blogger that's running out of steam so I write potentially incindiary things with a complete disregard for how it might come across. I go after those across the political spectrum because it gives me a chance to go out for those I disagree with most and vent my frustrations against those I agree with most. I've done the partisan blogging, the personal blogging, and the philosophical blogging, so what's left? I have beliefs, but I believe that even my beliefs are cliche. The irony wraps around itself to the point that I don't actually have to advocate anything, which is good cause I don't care - but I realize that that, too, is totally cliche. Man, life was a lot easier when all I cared about was Gilligan's Island.