I have a confession to make. When I was little, I watched and enjoyed the TV show Full House. What can I say? When I was young and stupid, I was young and stupid. So as such I will always remember the Olsen Twins as being little baby Michelle. Post-Full House, all they are is the excess-growth of the cute little baby/kid. The things they were in after Full House annoyed me to no end because, well they were just really stupid and unlike the days where I watched Full House, I was smart enough to see how stupid they were. Then at some point they ceased being people at all and suddently became properties. They weren't selling a TV show or a movie, but rather themselves. Making a pretty buck doing it, for sure, but would you sell your soul for that kind of money? I can honestly say that I wouldn't. Maybe I'm in the minority on that one. Anyhow, to put it nicely, they're just little spoiled brat plastic doll media whores that annoy the living hell out of me.

Not that I'd make a very good spoiled plastic media doll whore.

Not that I feel particularly passionate about this.

A year and a half or so ago, I made the acquaintence of an attractive young lady named Tiana. She had connections and those connections gave her eighth row tickets to a Matchbox Twenty show. All she needed was a ride. Cool, I thought, I'll drive out to pick her up in return for 8th row M20 tickets. Good deal. Well, turned out that she needed a ride because she was fifteen. Okay, I rationalized, since there is obviously this glaring age difference there is obviously nothing there (nor was there any indication of something their prior to the revelation), so it was all good.

Except that she was interested. Very interested. That became obvious by the way she was looking at me during the show. Just relax, Alex I told myself, a couple more hours and it will all be over. And I managed to convince myself this when simultaneously she put her arm around me and I had the revelation: She's younger than the Olsen Twins. OH MY GOD SHE'S YOUNGER THAN THE OLSEN TWINS! There was no relaxation after that. My shoulders and back were stiffer than a board. I was practically standing in the walkway to get as far away from the girl that was younger than the Olsen Twins.

After that night, I determined that I had found my permanent lower threshold. Even when I am 40 and they are 33, I will not date someone 32. Period. They would be, you see, younger than the Olsen Twins! It's analogous to most guys I know that will not date someone younger than their kid sister. Little alarms go off in their head, even if there is only three years of difference, if their sister is only two years. So I've built some of my disdain for this pair into my eternal philosophy.

So now comes the revelation (to me, anyway), that they are two frickin' geniouses. Not only that, but they actually have interests more intellectual than any of mine, such as in Nanotechnology, which they will be studying at a prestigious school.

My reaction is best summed up in this IM conversation with my friend John H:

RAW: Check this out.
RAW: We now live in the twilight zone
JH: Aaaah. Aaaah!
JH: What is that????
RAW: I... I... I don't think I can hate them anymore
RAW: Shit.
JH: I can. I can hate them twice.
RAW: This has serious psychological repercussions for me
RAW: Did you know that I have permanently set my basement for interest in a female at the age of the Olsen Twins? Like when I'm 30 and they're 23, I will not be able to date anyone 22...
JH: They want to study nanotech. They're twins. They're the fricking Olsen. Snap out of it!
RAW: They scored perfect on the SAT...
JH: And yes I said Olsen, not Olsens. They are a unit. And DO NOT make that the excuse for your interest.
JH: I'm sure that, put together, they managed at least a 1600, yes.
RAW: It's not interest... it's... respect. Good lord, I respect them now
JH: Respect is the first step on the path of infatuation.You know where that path leads, my friend. To twin hells!!!
RAW: I respect them... as people... as intelligent minds... make it stop, man!
JH: I'm sure they have aids.
JH: I mean, aides. Like Jared, on Subway commercials.
RAW: Yes, they must
RAW: They probably have a genious on their payroll for the sole purpose of taking tests for them.
JH: Maybe he'll take classes for them as well. Grrr!
RAW: Yes... stupid rich girls.
JH: Absolutely. Abso-friggin-lutely. Stupid, and rich, and about to be a laughing stock come this fall. God, that should be televised.
JH: "Flunk Out!" The ongoing adventures of the Olsen Twins in college.
RAW: Hell yeah!
JH: Gotta go. Either I get a ticket dismissed today, or I pay 90. Only the judge can tell me.

[Note: Yes, I'm aware that the article in question is a parody]