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With METRO, It's Always Safety First
R. Alex Whitlock
METRO busses declared safety hazard, may be replaced by rail
Jerry Wahls,
Houston Comical
HOUSTON - After yesterday's
bus accident, Houston METRO Authorities, Houston Mayor Bill White, and all right-thinking people are re-thinking public transportation.
"The first problem," METRO Police Cheif Tom Lambert told reporters, "is that we're hiring Houston drivers. Unlike drivers in other areas, Houston drivers never make mistakes. METRO's longstanding policy, of course, is never to compensate for regular driver error. As such, we're going to start replacing our drivers with those from a population that doesn't make mistakes."
When asked further where drivers might be imported from, Lambert declined further comment.
Most METRO authorities did agree, however, that one obvious problem was too many bus routes. "Frankly," said one METRO insider, "We have so many busses going that they're practically running in to each other. Well, literally running in to one another, in fact."
While he said that nothing was definitive, using the funds freed up by cutting bus lines to create a more aggressive light rail system was "not out of the question."
When asked to comment, all right-thinking Houstonians agreed.
[Picture swiped from Lonestar Times via PubliusTX, both of whom have more useful things to say on the subject]
Observations
After driving cross country last week, I will say that Houston is definitely filled with more than it's fair share of bad drivers. I could spot the exact moment I hit the edge of Houston.
I haven't found Houston drivers to be significantly different from those in other big cities without sufficient roadspace (Austin, Dallas, Denver). Extra credit to Fort Worth and Salt Lake City, though both might be thanks at least in part to better per capita roadage.
Possibly, but I know I saw immediate differences. Even when I visted NYC did I notice a huge difference in the drivers. Oddly enough although NYC has too much traffic, it moved rather well for there being so much. Not to mention the inconvenient protests and parades that happen all the time. I was quite impressed with how fluid traffic was despite all that. It might be moving slow because of a merge ahead, but it's constantly moving. (Unlike the stop and go traffic on Houston on a 5 lane freeway with an accident off on the shoulder).
At first I thought this was copied from the Onion. But I didn't think you'd do that. 'xcuse me while I rescrew my head back on.
PS - some of your self portraits are a tad scary.
I'll take any comparisons with the Onion as a compliment since they're cool and I'm not so much.
PS This coming from a pumpkin wearing lipstick? :)
HA!!! oh man did you make me laugh. good one. I had to look again - I didn't remember the lipstick.
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