Michael Williams has an interesting hypothetical question about friends and lovers:

Suppose Boy A and Boy B are friends, and both like Girl A. Girl A likes Boy A, but doesn't like Boy B. Boy A wants to go out with Girl A.

1. Does Boy A need Boy B's permission to go out with Girl A? Do the facts that Boys A and B are friends, and that Boy B likes Girl A imply that if Boy A is a "real friend" he won't go out with Girl A without first asking Boy B?

2. Suppose Boy A does ask for Boy B's permission, but Boy B refuses. Can Boy A then go out with Girl A, or would doing so prove that he isn't a "real friend" to Boy B?

The consensus seems to be that Boy A should tell Boy B what he's going to do, but that's it.

I seem to be the lone dissenter.

It is my position that, absent extenuating circumstances, Boy A (I'll call him Alvin) should in fact seek Boy B's (Bobby's) blessing before going after Girl A (Ann).

There are a few caveats. First, If Bobby hasn't told Alvin that he likes her until after Alvin declares his interest, then it's Bobby's problem (exception to the exception: If Alvin is only marginally interested but Bobby worships the girl). If Alvin feels so smitten that he's going to marry Ann, then he's free to do whatever, though he'd need to understand that there's a chance it would cost him the friendship.

Why? Because friendship is more important than a girlfriend (or boyfriend). If you know that you're going to seriously hurt your friend by pursuing a particular girl, it does say something about the seriousness to which you hold the friendship. You can talk all day about how Bobby shouldn't feel that way, but if Bobby is heartbroken, you're agitating the wound.

I come at this by two tangental hypotheticals that I've pondered. The first is an ex. Let's say we're dealing with Girl B (Bonnie) who use to date Bobby but now is interested in Alvin and vice-versa. Despite Alvin and Bonnie's mutual interest, he is hurting Bobby by pursuing the relationship and when possible, friends shouldn't hurt friends (exception: if Bobby dumped Bonnie cold, then he's hard-pressed to be able to object, though if it was a long and painful affair, it could still apply).

The second tangental hypothetical is if Bobby is dating Girl C (Cynthia) and Alvin and Cynthia fall in love, it would be a betrayal of the friendship for Alvin to carry on an affair with Cynthia (even if Bobby and Cynthia aren't married and there is no sex involved between any of them). If Cynthia offers to leave Bobby for Alvin, Alvin should refuse.

Why? Because Alvin cannot realistically expect Bobby to be a good friend to someone who stole his girlfriend (regardless of the specifics, that's how Bobby is gonna see it). The logical extention of that is that if Alvin is seeing someone that causes Bobby great pain, he is harming the friendship. The notion that Bobby should just not feel hurt when he sees the girl of his dreams holding hands with his best friend is not tenable.

Now, that being said, except in the most extreme cases, I believe that it is incumbent upon Bobby to lend his blessings on Alvin's pursuit (at least to Ann and Bonnie, Cynthia is probably automatically extreme). If he fails to do so, then it is he that is causing his friend grief for selfish reasons. If it's a girl that he only casually likes and therefore isn't really of much consequence other than perhaps rivalry or a bruised ego, then he needs to be a man about it and realize that he lost.

If he abuses this 'veto' power, then I would fully expect (and endorse) Alvin revoking it. The only justified reason that Bobby should refuse is if it makes him physically ill or so hurt that he could not face either of them. In which case, the 'veto' is more of a warning than anything else (on a side note, I had a friend who was going to date someone that I hated passionately. I had to make the decision to either warn him that it would hurt our friendship or let it progress and just pull away from him if he succeeded. Luckily for me, things didn't work out).

At any point, Alvin is free to disregard Bobby's veto and probably should if his affection for Ann (or Bonnie or maybe even possibly Cynthia) is such that he's thinking the rest of his life. If he thinks it's a fling or is very uncertain, risking a friendship in favor of a romance is a fool's wager.

As for Michael's answer and rationale:

My own position is that if Girl A likes Boy A rather than Boy B, then Boy B will just have to deal with it. His feelings may be hurt, but if he were to interfere in Boy A's relationship with Girl A, then Boy B would be the one who wasn't being a "real friend".

Furthermore, if Boy A is required to ask Boy B for permission to go out with Girl A, I think that shows a profound lack of respect for Girl A, on both the boys' parts. Girl A has made her decision, and she likes Boy A. For the boys to have some sort of external negotiations over her based on their own relatinship reduces Girl A to a commodity, a mere object.

I can understand that Boy A would be concerned for his friend's feelings, but Boy B has no claim on Girl A. If Boy A restricts his involvement with Girl A based on the desires of Boy B, doesn't that dehumanize Girl A?

Yes and no. I agree that Boy B (Bobby) is not being a good friend except in extenuating circumstances and if Bobby's attachment isn't severe, he should sacrifice his quitclaim rights immediately.

However, whether or not Bobby goes out with Girl A (Ann) is not only her choice, but also his. Therefore, in my mind, his relenting for the sake of his friendship is the equivalent of saying "I would be interested, but I'm not because of outside circumstances." As outside circumstances interfere with would-be relationships all the time, I don't consider her being deprived of any rights as she has no "right" to date Boy A (Alvin).

It would only be objectification if she were somehow forced to date Bobby against her will, but that's not the case (on the contrary, if she knew the rationale behind it, she'd likely hate Bobby with a passion). She is simply denied the opportunity to be with someone that she wants. So's Bobby and so are hundreds of thousands of people every day for reasons out of their control.