The parade of interesting dreams continues. Last night Audrey was in my dream. We were hanging out after having spent some time apart, but something was wrong. I asked, at some point, "Why aren't we talking?"

"What should we be talking about?"

"What we've always talked about!"

A few years ago when Anna and I parted ways, it was difficult in more ways than one. Procedurally, the most difficult part was that we were so used to one another. Not just as a romantic partnership, but as friends and confidants. Like many parting couples do, we made a promise to remain close friends. It was as selfish as magnanimous because we each needed someone and we were both the most qualified individuals for that.

Then there were physical needs. I don't mean sex, but rather openly displayed affection. Hugging instead of kissing her goodbye was one of the roughest transitions. There was also suddenly talking about our futures seperately instead of as one. It even seemed logical at the time that we could continue to act as a couple even if we weren't because, hey, we had nothing better to do.

While our final months were not particularly happy ones, they were what we understood. As with any couple, talking about us was one of the big things that we talked about. It was really difficult to get away from that comfort zone. But I needed out of the relationship and she (pre-Pierce) wanted to keep going and we would have found ourselves talking in the circles over and over again. Yet even though I was vaguely aware of it at the time, it still seemed attractive in its own way.

Like many parting couples do, we renegged on the close friendship promise. She became preoccupied with Pierce and I with Audrey and the transition actually seemed smoother with each other out of the way. There were a lot of questions left unanswered and there was the desire to continue to talk about us, but it was largely unproductive. Her strong, strong, strong disapproval of Audrey provided a much-needed schism that was probably inevitable.

A year or so later when Audrey and I parted ways, I remember her writing an email saying that she really wanted things to continue the way that they were. I remember walking out of Occupational and Environmental Safety class at U of H, thinking of nothing but her. I'd told her that I needed some time and space and that I wouldn't be seeing her again for some time. She objected vociferously and she had a good point: Why not?

The argument also held. Then I looked over at the Science building where I knew Vince also took night classes and realized that I might run in to the soon-to-be-lovers. In front of God and country I cried the last tears of that affair. Then I became angry that she'd dragged things on for so long while I'd been remarkably unhappy and then prepared to jump ship when something better came along. I don't often take pride in my angry and embittered behavior when I'm experiencing it, but I'm grateful that I felt what I did at that moment because that saved me the prolonged agony of holding on to what was no longer real.

Yet then, as now, there is the motivation to reach out to these people from my past. Anna and I have been talking a lot more recently, but no amount of communication can give us together what we once had. Things with Audrey are and probably forever will be more complicated, but the desire I sometimes have to drop her a line and talk about what we've always talked about seems reductive. I've gone my own path, she's gone hers, and the only place for us to go is into the past.

Anna, Audrey, and I would be much better served going into the future and not talking about the things we've always talked about.