An interesting article on spousal infidelity on the wife's side. As the gap between unfaithful husbands and wives narrows (unfortunately in the wrong direction with wives going up instead of husbands going down), it poses some interesting questions on how and why wives cheat.

The "types" of affairs read to me more like rationalizations than anything else:

Empowering Affairs
With more opportunities for women in all aspects of life, they have increased experience of younger men and of workplace affairs.

Sex-Driven Affairs
The marriage becomes old and sex declines. This type of affair compensates for that lack. It is by definition the most passionate, lacking boundaries or rules and can almost seem like an out-of-body experience for the woman.

Love Affairs
Unanticipated and heartbreaking, these affairs happen when women least expect them. Often they break up the marriage or are used as a wake-up call for the husband to battle for his wife to stay.

Self-Esteem Affairs
Consumed with the responsibilities of child care and household duties, women have lost their way. A lover makes them feel special in a way their husbands do not.

Whether a woman or a man, I take an anti-cheating position when it comes to marital affairs. It's almost sad that I have to feel the need to take a "position" because so many people are increasingly permissive towards it.

For the record, I have a solid, albeit not entirely unblemished, record of fidelity. When mistakes have been made, they've been minor (ie no sex, Clinton-defined or otherwise) and dealt with very seriously. In other words, I've not only felt guilty, but I've done something about it.

As that goes, none of these rationales hold much water for me.

Empowering Affairs

This one is a very involved subject I'll have to tackle at a later date, except for a few thoughts. This, along with the third factor (increased availability) probably accounts a great deal for the closing of the gap.

In this case, I'm sure many women - particularly if they marry young or were not promiscuous when they were single - feel that they are missing out on something. This accounts for whatever transgressions I may have had in the past. That being said, it doesn't excuse me any more than it excuses the women in the survey (except to the extent my transgressions were more minor and dealt with honestly).

Sex-Driven Affairs

This excuse is the one most commonly afforded by men and is possibly the least unreasonable. I say this with two qualifications and a clarification.

First, it can't be ex-post facto. In other words, saying "I didn't realize how much I missed intimacy until Pat came along..." doesn't cut it.

Second, the other partner can't know what the first doesn't tell them. If the husband or wife is not aware of the other's unmet sexual needs, the guilt falls on the cheating spouse alone. It would be nice to say "My man/woman should know when I'm unhappy" and indeed it is nice when they do, but sexual issues often lag behind other issues and clear vision of the relationship becomes unclear. As I've said before, it's not a spouse's job to be a mindreader.

Lastly, to avoid letting the jilted spouse off completely, if a partner voices his or her concerns about the lack of intimacy (be it sexual or otherwise, especially since sexual often follows otherwise) and these complaints go unresponded to, then there's enough blame to go around.

To put a finer point on it, I believe that intimacy is a requirement in a marriage. Sex every night isn't, nor is she required to do the various positions that he wants or vice-versa, but a partner who doesn't even try to sexually satisfy his or her spouse is as negligent as one who is not providing in other ways.

"To avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. 3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. 4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. 5 Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. 6 But I speak this by permission, and not of commandment. 7 For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that." - 1 Cor. 7:2-7 KJV

Naturally, not everyone is in the mood every night. There will be times when a man or woman is physically incapable of sex. However, "not in the mood" headaches or stressful days at work that reach out for weeks or months is creating a situation in which an otherwise faithful spouse would stray. Don't even get me started on those who use sex as a weapon or to "teach him/her a lesson."

Even if one isn't in the mood, they can at least try. If they are impotant or dry, there are other ways intimacy and sexual needs can be satisfied. Refusal of compromise puts the other person in an impossible situation.

There are times that's unavoidable, which is what makes compromise and communcation on this matter so important. It requires compromise on both sides as to what their partners will and will not do.

That one side or the other isn't being completely satisfied does not constitute a valid rationale for cheating.

Self-Esteem Affairs

This rationale for cheating is subject to a number of the same rules as the second. The jilted spouse will often deserve some of the blame, but this sort of thing is also often derived ex-post facto.

Just as intimacy is required of both parties, so too is the emotional needs. To an extent. I have run across many women in my life (and a few men) whose self-esteem has become too heavy an anchor for any guy. Men, fearing her well-being if they were to leave, do what they can, fall short, and get cheated on. The same has happened in reverse, I'm sure, though I've not seen it first-hand (or perhaps guys are less likely to use self-esteem as a rationale even when it might be).

I am a believer in the credo that happiness is an inside job. There are things the spouse can be doing (and specifically things they can not be doing) to improve things, but at the end of the day we all feel down sometimes. We all feel worthless and stressed and worn down. It's the spouse's job to do what he or she can to keep things afloat, but just because he or she can't doesn't mean that you're free to go off and find someone that can.

Conclusion

To me, the last two reasons are both part of the same coin. There is, in relationship, a belief that they should be constantly reinvigorated. Every month together ought to be life the first.

The truth is that relationships change over time. That's not to say that sex will stop, intimacy will dissipate, and so on. Rather, that there are certain trade-offs. A lot of men and women look back at the earlier stages of their relationship and think that things were better back then. He said so many nice things and she was so much more aggressive in bed and so on.

Except that during that time, one of the biggest fuels to the flame was uncertainty. They did many of those things to try to win their partner over. Things were new and exciting. Well, excitement cannot exist without uncertainty, and it strikes me that a lot of men and women out there are trying to inject excitement into their life. By doing so, of course, they have to sacrifice the increased certainty they had before.

Except that in many cases the uncertainty is a deferred payment. They can have the excitement now and then go home to a stable family situation. These things have a tendency to blow up and the consequences are disastrous when they do.

Even when they don't, however, they're still irreversably damaging. Once you've crossed that line, you can't uncross it. You can no longer honestly say that you've been a great spouse. That sort of thing eats away at your soul because once you've cheated, it becomes easier to cheat again. With each bout of unfaithfulness, there comes a numbing to it until eventually the numbness bleeds over to your feelings for your partner.

And what's the cure to that numbness? Another lover, of course.