The Voorn Project has humorous takes on universities in Texas. I remember being quite amused by this (or some variation) when it was making the email forwarding circuit so I was excited when Kuff provided a link to the page. For the most part, it didn't disappoint.

UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS
I live in a town where you stand out if you don't have a purple Mohawk, facial piercing chained to nipple piercing, a homosexual lover, or hang out at the Magnolia Cafe. More people go to my school than live in Australia. I honestly believe that Ricky Williams is a god. I also really hate Chris Simms. I am open-minded and spiritually in tune - except towards people who are closed minded and spiritually out of tune. Liberal women with armpit hair are cool. You can see my dorm from Chicago for it is as tall as Florida would be if it stood up. I protest everything - except protests. I am a gold card carrying member of Amnesty International. I am openly bi-curious.
I am a Longhorn.

[...]

STEPHEN F. AUSTIN STATE UNIVERSITY
I am drunk or having sex right now. I went to class once. That about sums it up.
I am a Lumberjack.

[...]

UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS - ARLINGTON
I go to UTA where we have a marching band, cheerleaders and drill team but no football team. We had one at some point and built them a really nice stadium but they sucked so much we just got rid of them but kept the half-time show. The only thing we're good at is engineering so Asians outnumber everyone else 3-1. This is the last resort for most Arlington students so my classmates are either Asian or too drunk to come to class. Since we don't have a football team (or any decent sports teams for that matter) we don't even have a mascot. Actually we do, it's the Maverick, but there's still no football team. In Texas, that doesn't cut it.
I am a Maverick!

However, in true uptight, I do have to raise some objection over their characterization of the University of Houston:

UNIVERSITY OF HOUSTON
I work all day or all night. I attend school part-time. I'm trying to get a degree, any degree, to help get a decent job. I live with my parents, and spend as little time on campus as possible. Football games?? You mean we have a football team??? When I say my school is in an urban setting, I'm serious. In the shadows of the fourth largest city in the U.S., right in one of the most crime ridden Wards of the Bayou City. I hate Texas, A&M, and any other big school because they get a real degree. I wish I hadn't flunked out when I was attending a real school.
I'm a Cougar.

It's pretty spot-on until the last couple of paragraphs. In my experience there were very few students at UH that failed out of other universities. In fact, if you failed out of your previous institution you're not allowed in to the University of Houston (most bigger universities have this policy). I'd also add that, with 34,000 students we do, in fact, qualify as a "big school." I'm relatively certain it's one of the 15 largest universities in the nation. I'd go a step further and say that I don't recall very many people at UH who were there because they couldn't get in to a bigger university. I'd say that money was a much bigger factor (both in terms of UH offering scholarships and people going to school from home). Most of the folks I remember from high school that wanted to go to UT or A&M but didn't make the grade ended up going to a small party school (SFA or SWT) or, if their grades were good enough, Texas Tech.

They could have gotten some mileage out of UH not being a "real university" and, in the spirit of humor, I wouldn't have objected. Fighting traffic would also have been a good angle to take. Next to UCLA, there is no bigger university in a larger urban area and more commuters than UH and I think they really should have played that up. The "Cougar High" reputation isn't academically, but it's accurate enough student body-wise to be funny.