[Originally posted on the No-Lyfe Journal]



In popular entertainment, there are very often scenes with a man and a woman arguing. Ferociously. Violently. Then, at the height ot the emotional battle, they'll kiss. It works that way for some people. The arguments enflame their passions which get redirected from animosity to amorousness.

I don't work that way.

When confronted with an argument, I prefer to defuse the situation as quickly as possible. Naturally, grievances must be addressed, but there is seldom any joy in it for me. My mind is always distracted on the best way to remediate the situation, not about how right I am, how wrong she is, and how cute she is when she's mad. Fighting is a part of any relationship, but it's not something to be liberally tossed in merely to spice things up. There are playful fights of course, and those can be fun, but you can't couch real issues and real disagreements in playfulness. Arguments are like salt that way. Rubbing salt on skin feels fine, provided the the skin is healthy. If there is a wound, however, or a scintilla of heartfelt dissatisfaction with the behavior and traits of the sparring partner, you're no longer rubbing salt on skin, but rather onto a wound, and that never makes it better.

Cathy and I'd had this argument before. We'd been together for a very short, but turbulent, period of time. At a pivotal moment in the conversation, I was leaning against the counter in the kitchen, talking to her on the phone, and analyzing the precise point of disagreement so that it might be addressed. Tempers were running a little higher than normal and I knew nothing more productive could have been said. I needed to get out of the conversation, regroup my thoughts, and confront the issue later. My mind sometimes works on time delay -- yet another reason I don't get a thrill from arguing -- and often the words come to me 45 minutes or so later. So if I could just find a way to stall the argument, I could save the relationship.

Except that I didn't want to. This was not a relationship I wanted to save. This wasn't the reason it needed to end and the disagreement was, in the greater scheme of things, very minor. But to give this a pass would mean that I would need to confront much bigger issues down the line. However, she hadn't mentioned breaking up, and this wasn't an argument that I could break up over. It was stupid; it was minor. But it was here and I couldn't for the life of me think of a way to go about bringing up our real problems without just bringing them up to break up, and I had my opportunity right there. All I had to do was prolong the argument and break out the salt.

I did and within twenty minutes, we were no more.

That should have been the end of it. In a way, it was. I don't expect that I will ever speak to her again. I removed her from my AIM buddy list on my Trillian chat program. Trillian has a bug in it, however. Trillian handles account names locally (like ICQ), but AIM handles them remotely. To make a long story short, if you have Trillian installed on more than one computer (I have it on 6) and you log on to another computer that doesn't know the name has been deleted, it will see the name and automatically add it to your list. When I got to work the next day, her name was there again. When I got home, it re-added itself there, too. I delete it, it keeps readding itself.

Cathy is gone now, and that's all for the best. I'm certain she has no desire to speak to me again. But her name lingers on my Trillian list in the same way that the questions that she brought forth linger in my mind. It's been two weeks, and I've gotten very few answers. She and I seemed right for each other in a way that now seems illusory. It wasn't about her for me and me for her, but rather about each of us being what the other thought they needed. I'm certain that she's looking for that again elsewhere, and maybe she's found it. I view it as a void inside myself that she appeared to fill, but only in the way that others seemed to fill it with equally (or more) disastrous results. I'm happy being single. I've ended more relationships and near-relationships than I care to count because of that. But whatever it is that drew me to Cathy and Lisa (and Ora a long time ago) or allowed them to be drawn to me still exists. I will continue to draw, and be drawn by these destructive relationships and flings until I can confront what it is. Until I can figure out what it is.

My (sane) ex-girlfriend Anna suggested, as she always seems to, that I take a break from relationships. But I had more dating partners last year than I made (or kept) friends. I'm an independent person. Friends come and go, but I always have my writing and my solitary activities. I'm not sure that's enough anymore, but I've been (and embraced being) this way for so long, I don't know how to change it. Somehow, I've got to escape the safety of being alone and behind the safety of a keyboard and monitor. Before I can do that, I have to be comfortable with it. Before that, I've got to get answers, to do which I must get a better idea of what the questions are.

Wish me luck.

The End (and to be continued ad infinum)

Where Are They Now

	Lisa messaged me on Wednesday, as she did the week before and will likely do next week as well. She's aborted her plans to move to Florida and is looking to find someone locally. She still regularly confides in me about her utter sense of isolation and complete worthlessness.
	Cathy is still on my Trillian list, though we have not spoken since we broke up and are unlikely to begin. I told her that I wish her well. She did not reply.
	Ora and I talk online on an almost daily basis. She's been positively upbeat lately apparently having met someone new. She hasn't had any episodes (that she's come to me about) in almost a year.
	I've been keeping myself busy. I've been going out a lot and touching base with old friends. I've put off my fourth novel for a bit as I try to get my personal life in order.
	RIP, Walter Keith Coleman, Jr. 1979-2000

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