A week or so ago, Yale loaned me 8mm and in the last 15 minutes or so, it went haywire and I couldn't see the climax of the movie.

Well, I got him back. I loaned him the first season of 24 and the last DVD wouldn't play on his DVD player.

He's goin' absolutely nuts.

The DVD is scratchless, so I'm not sure what the problem is, but I don't care.

Revenge is mine.

That would be my neighbor Yale. Yale, you see, decided to do a nice thing and lend me 8mm, a movie starring Nicolas Cage. It's not a movie I'd otherwise rent, but since it's there, I figure "Hey, why not?"

I'll tell you why not, because it makes it all the way to the last scene of the movie and then won't read.

So now I'm going to have to go rent a movie I would not have otherwise gotten. Somehow, his friggin' generosity has cost me money!

["Jackass" concept taken wholesale from Last Page -- I really need to come up with a term of my own]

There is a time to joke. However, you must always keep in mind the timing and nature of a joke before it is lobbed. Even if it's self-depricating. When joking to defuse a tense situation, it can be especially beneficial but can also backfire in a pretty bad way.

Here are some examples I've witnessed of poorly placed jokes:

Joe has a notorious temper problem. You just never know when he's going to go off on something. Joe realizes that there's a problem and thinks that humor might defuse the situation. Therefore, Joe jokes about being irrationally angry.

Sally has been waiting for Bob to propose for three very long years. She's stuck with him through his divorce, the depression that followed, and his lingering hostility towards marriage because she believes that he will eventually marry her. Bob meanwhile asks how long she'd be willing to hold out and jokes that he may have to test her on that.

I got a doozy.

When we got to the movie theatre to see Lord of the Rings, there were two people in the red pickup next to the car. I stayed seated for about ten seconds or so waiting for them to get out, figuring that I didn't want our doors to collide. Upon closer examination, they appeared to be... ahem... occupied. Now, the Marq-E theater is not exactly desolate and they were surrounded by parking traffic. I grumbled but didn't say much. If they want to make out in their pickup for a moment or two, well okay, I've done that. Of course, I was probably half the age of this couple at the time and in my past it never consisted of actually being on top of one another nor a parking lot in which I am surrounded by people, but okay, just call me Mr. Modest and them Mr. and Mrs. A Little Less Than Modest.

When we got out of the movie, I comment to my date that we should wait for the people in the car beside mine to get out before we get in. It took me a few seconds to remember that they're getting out. It took me more than a few extra seconds for it to sink in that they'd probably been out there thoughout the entire movie. Not just a movie. The three-fraggin' hour Lord of the Rings movie!

We walk across to the other side of the car and try to figure out what to do. I don't want to look like a peeper or anything, but I can't exactly miss two forty-year olds (at the very least) making out in seat I gotta walk right past. Not that they weren't probably oblivious to the entire world, but remember I'm Mr. Common Decency.

Before we could figure out what to do, a car alarm goes off. I am happy to Mrs. ALLTM get off of Mr. ALLTM so I can get into my car until Camryn notices... it was her car that had the blaring alarm. She zaps it quiet and back on top of him she goes. Hmmm. Two people in their forties arriving at a third location in different cars. Camryn suggested that they're having an affair. Either that or they have nothing better to do than fool around in a parking lot on a date.

Either way, GET A ROOM!

[insert my own word for jackasses here].

(note: this is where Page, as in The Last Page, rants about the jackasses who are certain to be responsible for the downfall of Western civilization as we know it. Since Page didn't see what I did this morning, I'll take a stab at it.)

I was at the convenience store this morning walking in as a man was walking out. A few seconds later, a look of horror overtook the clerk's face and he ran around chasing the man down. To no avail. Seeing the clerk run out, he high-tailed his Suburban out of the lot and in to the street. Confused, I asked the clerk what in the world he had done.

He stole the coin depository for blind children!

(The whole "Finding The Jackass Within" thing is likely not formally copyrighted, but nonetheless is the domain of Miss Turner. I only felt free to use it because... well... I'm a jackass.)