Starting on Wednesday, I will be an employed man.

I went in to an employment agency on Thursday for an interview to get employment at the Heinz ketchup factory. It was a dirty and sweaty job, but according to Dundee it pays $11.40 an hour after the first month. Since it was an overnight job I'd even have the ability to go to interviews for better jobs.

Plus, let's face it, I've been getting pretty desperate.

So I interviewed with a nice young lady who asked pretty mundane questions such as "How much can you lift?" Until we got to "other skills."

Nice Young Interviewing Lady: Do you have any other skills that we haven't asked about?
RAW: I have computer skills, but probably nothing worthwhile to Heinz.
NYIL: Okay, well what kinds of skills?
RAW: Computer hardware and software.
NYIL: Could you be a little more specific?
RAW: Microsoft Access, Excel, Word, PowerPoint, FrontPage, Outlook, Windows 95/98/NT/2000/2003/XP, Computer hardware configuration, Visual Basic, VBA, VBScript, C++, Database design and administration, computer construction, SQL, HTML, TCP/IP, computerized phone systems, CNC support software, Seagate Veritas backup software, backup hardware including both analog and digital...
NYIL: Okay, this is a little bit much. Maybe you can give us your resume?
RAW: My database administration resume, my general IT resume, or my general office job resume?
NYIL: All three. Okay, so do you have any certifications or degrees?
RAW: I have a college degree.
NYIL: An associates?
RAW: Bachelor's.
NYIL Why are you here?
RAW: Excuse me?
NYIL: Why are you here?
RAW: I'm not sure I understand the question. I'm pretty sure I can handle a sanitation tech job.
NYIL: Do you realize what you'll be doing?
RAW: I assume I'll be cleaning out ketchup-making machines.
NYIL: And you have a college degree?
RAW: Yeah. And three years of IT experience.
NYIL: Why are you here?
RAW: Excuse me?
NYIL: Don't get me wrong, the sanitation tech job is a good one for unskilled labor, but... but...
RAW: Yeah?
NYIL: What are you doing here? This job won't pay you near what you're worth.
RAW: But it'll pay, and at this point I can't afford to be picky.
NYIL: You have too many skills to be cleaning ketchup machines.
RAW: I appreciate the inflated ego, here, but is Heinz not going to hire me because I'm overqualified?
NYIL: One of their factories burned down. They'll hire anyone that can construct a complete sentence and lift 50 pounds.
RAW: Well I can do both.
NYIL: What are you doing here?

Two hours after the interview, I was offered the sanitation tech job. Except that since I couldn't report to work immediately, they called the next person instead.

A year or two ago, I had an odd charge appear on my credit card bill. It was only a couple of bucks so I really didn't care except that I wanted to make sure that I wasn't getting charged a monthly fee for something that I didn't want. Hadn't happened with this company before, but better safe than sorry. What followed was the most excruciating half-hour I'd spent on the phone in a long while. I wanted to ask a question, I wanted to get the answer, and I wanted to get on with my day. Instead, I spent 30 minutes listening to one ad after another for a service that I didn't want because of a mistake on my credit card bill. By the time it was done, I wanted to send them an invoice for the time they took from me.

It's always good to learn something about yourself. What I learned that day is that I have little patience for my time being wasted on the phone with sales pitches that I don't want when, unlike with a telephone solicitor, I can't just hang up. I'm a captive audience. Though I didn't work for OmniStar TV for very long, I learned something about myself. I learned what I'm not willing to do for money.

I had always assumed that I was easy-going and capitalistic enough to do just about anything legal. I figured that I wouldn't have a problem working for Big Bad Tobacco, endorsing sexual deviance, or whatever made me a quick and honest buck. It wasn't that I was immoral, I just wasn't, you know, up tight. I am not generally inclined to tell people how to live their lives. I have my ideas of what a proper life consists of, but as long as they're only harming themselves, no harm no foul, right? Well, not so much.

One of the things I take most seriously is financial responsibility. Anna and I almost broke up over a $3,000 debt that she had foolishly accumulated. Another person's $30,000 debt was almost a deal-breaker for me. I am big on money management and people spending their money wisely. OmniStar is a good company with a great product. Though sales was not my primary job, I had no problem selling the product. What I did have a problem with, however, was selling the product to people who couldn't afford it and didn't want. It wasn't sales that got me, it was retention.

Some guy calls in and says that he wants to downgrade from the Caviar Plan to the more sensible Filet Mignon Plan. I can tell that the guy is not particularly educated and I can hear machines running in the background. One guy, I kid you not, was calling while on break working at a fast food joint. He's obviously a guy that doesn't need the Caviar Plan. The only people that need 45 movie channels are those with families (he only had one reciever activated) and/or those that can for whatever reason clearly afford it (he was $200 in the hole and hadn't been current since Clinton was in office). So he's calling in to cancel a plan that he doesn't need. He didn't end up downgrading.

Or I'll take another case of a guy that lost his job and needs to downgrade to the basic Meat & Taters Plan. He might want to cancel altogether, but for now he wants to try to basic channels. He loves movies, but he just can't afford it. It was my job to convincingly read from a script that told him (just like the fast food guy) that he did need this programing package that he could not afford. In my zealousness, I even pointed out that he'd have more time to watch movies since he doesn't have a job. I said it in a half-joking and friendly manner, but he realized I had a point.

Like the fast food guy, I convinced him to hold on to the package that he didn't need for a price he couldn't afford. There's a reason that companies upsell: it works. Like when I called the credit card company some time ago, they didn't call to hear a sales pitch but because they needed to hear me out before I could make the requested changes to the account.

Ethically speaking, I can't make decisions for other people. Nor am I particularly responsible for the decisions that people make. If I hadn't tried to upsell him, someone else would have. The unemployed guy said, "Thanks, Buddy" when we got off the phone. He had nothing to thank me for and I was not his buddy.

After a couple of experiences like that, I became incapable of reselling. I couldn't do it. I deviated from the almighty script. Once you start doing that, you put yourself in a position to be fired. I was let go from my last two employers and I couldn't afford to wait it out and be let go again.

So, just when I was starting to get really good at the job, I quit.

I'd be lying if I said there weren't other reasons. My employment there was temporary from the outset. I even chose the schedule so that I could look for a better job. Unfortunately, the schedule didn't leave me with enough time to do that and I was missing potential leads. Lastly, I would have had to leave anyway because I had a trip planned during a blackout week (no absenses allowed).

But mostly it was reselling an unnecessary (if nice) product to people that called with the intention of financially doing the right thing.

My brother wrote to tell me that my name has appeared on the lost/unclaimed property page on the Texas state website. Until he told me the variation in which my name appears I couldn't imagine why. It looks like I failed to cash some of my checks when I was delivering the Daily Cougar. When I was working at both UH and Nova, I stopped bothering to cash my somewhat miniscule paychecks from UH.

I was too lazy to cash the checks, but not too lazy to quit. Go figure.

Miniscule though the paychecks were, I guess they added up if Texas owes me $125.93.

For consideration of a job lead of a clerical sort, I had to take a typing test. It required that I be able to type 45wpm with no more than 6 errors over five minutes. My typing speed maxes out at 90, though it's been slowed down as I've been mostly using my laptop in recent months, which has gotten me accustomed to a slightly smaller keyboard. Nonetheless, 45wpm posed no threat whatsoever.

Or so I thought.

It turns out that the typing test used up here requires two spaces after a period. I was originally taught thus but when I got to high school I was trained to only put one space after the period. I've been doing so ever since and no one has ever corrected me in the academic, business, or blogging worlds. Not until the typing test. Every time I only put one space after the period it marked it a typo. Even when I would go back and correct it, it would not only penalize me for the time it took, it would penalize me again by marking one full wpm off my score and still consider it half an error. Even after going back and correcting it, I eeked out 75wpm. Until it penalized me down to 65. That's still above 45, of course, but I got marked off a total of 18 full points.

It's actually incredibly hard for me to disrupt the way I've always typed. Typing has been an unconscious thing for me for the past 10 years or so and that one change makes it a conscious process. I'm trying on this post to type two-spaces after the period and it's still working working. Unfortunately, 2/3 of all the job leads I get go through the job service and they won't even tell you the name of the company if you don't meet the requirements (including typing), which means that I'm going to have to somehow get this right.

By the time I do, two years will probably have already passed and I'll be somewhere else that will probably require one space after the period.

Eel is a medical resident at the Gate City Medical Center. I've only been there on a couple of occasions, but suffice it to say it's a hospital like most that I've been to. There is a certain decorum that comes with a hospital. So many people with so many degrees trying to work on some of life's most immediate problems. Everyone there is extremely professional even though a number of them are residents still learning the trade. Most of the people there are either doing what they've spent several years training to do or are training to do what they will do with the rest of their lives.

I am an phone monkey Entertainment Consultant for OmniStar TV services. While most of my coworkers are quite professional on the phone, it's really a hodgepodge mixture of all kinds. One guy wears approximatly thirty thousands ear rings. Half the people there have tattooes. The only real dress code is that you can't wear sandles there, but no one follows even that code. Even the higher-ups there don't even get $10 an hour. Most of the people there are looking for better work.

You would not think that these two jobs would have much in common. Well, they don't, but they do have one thing in common: bribes. I mean, wonderful gifts provided to us by those that produce or manufacture the products that are at least part of our stock and trade.

Ten minutes in Eel's apartment will tell you exactly what I'm talking about. There are kind donations from drug companies all over the place. Every pen has some drug's name on it and she will never have to buy a stationary for as long as she lives (and she's only been there a year!). But even outside the apartment, the drug companies will cater food for the doctors in order to get their attention so that theoretically the next time they need to prescribe a painkiller, they'll remember Vlaximin Dentotum because of their pens, their stationary, and some delicious cupcakes.

Five minutes in my car will tell you that I'm in the same boat. Instead of saying Vlaximin Dentotum, it'll say Premiere Ticket or Allstar Sports Channel on it. I have a pen from each company. The good people from First Run Entertainment have had catered paistry-fests during our lunch hour. The Home Improvement Network gave me a little toolkit. Titanic Studios was giving away DVDs if you could just recite their sales pitch. I actually own a XXX t-shirt even though I have no desire to see the movie. Tell Film-Flam that you're trying to sell their package and they'll put you in a drawing for a free digital camera. So theoretically when we are picking a movie or sports package to upsell, we'll darn well remember who gave us that strawberry-filled croissant.

Eel prescribes whatever's the best value to her patients and I have yet to sell a Film-Flam package, but they wouldn't be doing it if it didn't work, would they?

Entertainment Consultant: Thank you for calling OmniStar, this is Rayford. Could I have your home phone number with the area code first, please?
Customer: 734-555-7475
EC: And the name on that account?
Cust: Francisco Navarro.
EC: And how may I help you today?
Cust: Yes, sir, I was looking at a flier in the mail today. It said that OmniStar offers programing in Spanish. How many channels does that include?
EC: Well it depends on the package you choose, sir. There is a Spanish equivalent to each of our English packages. The Carne y Papas Plan, which is our eqivalent to your current Meat & Taters Plan includes 45 channels in Spanish, including several channels that are not available on the English equivalent.
Cust: Does it include Cartoon Highway? My kids love that channel.
EC: Well yes and no, sir. The Spanish Meat & Taters plan includes all of the channels as the English version, but not all of them are available in Spanish. I'm afraid that includes Cartoon Highway. However, sir, it will be available to you in English format.
Cust: So what channels on the English plan will I not get in any language under the Spanish plan?
EC: You will get all of the channels in one language or the other, sir. The only difference is that the Spanish plan includes 15 channels that are only available in Spanish.
Cust: How much more does this plan cost?
EC: It's actually $5 cheaper.
Cust: And I get more channels?
EC: Yes, sir.
Cust: Hot damn! I told my kids that learning Spanish would help them in life! Sign me up...

...

Entertainment Consultant: Thank you for calling OmniStar, can I have your home phone number with the area code first?
Customer: 422-555-2742
EC: And the name on that account?
Cust: John Simmons.
EC: And how may I help you today?
Customer: Yes, I'm trying to cut down on some expenses and I was wondering if there was a plan cheaper than the one we have now.
EC: I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but you have the Meat & Taters Plan, which is the cheapest we offer.
Cust: So there's no way I can cut down on my bill?
EC: Habla usted Espanol?
Cust: Excuse me?
EC: No, sir, I'm afraid there isn't...

Entertainment Consultant: Thank you for calling OmniStar, this is Rayford, can I get your home phone number with the area code first, please?
Customer: 654-555-5178
EC: And the name on that account?
Customer: Kelvin Schmidt.
EC: Okay, sir, this account is protected by a password, could you give that to me?
Cust: Okay, I'd like to change from the Caviar Plan down to the Filet Mignon Plan, but I'd like to keep the Premiere Ticket and Sports Mania packs...
EC: Okay, sir, but before I can change your account, this account is protected by a password.
Cust: What does that mean?
EC: It means that you need to give me the password before I can make changes on your account.
Cust: Oh, okay. On second thought, could I also keep the Ritalin Action Movie Package as well? How much would that make my monthly bill?
EC: Sir, I can't divulge any information about your account until you give me the password.
Cust: Okay then, could you at least tell me how much it would be if I left off the Ritalin?
EC: Not until you tell me the password, sir.
Cust: Password?
EC: Yes, sir, this account is protected by a password. I can't give you any information about your account or change it until you tell me the password.
Cust: So how does that work?
EC: You tell me the password, I tell you what you want to know and make the changes you want made.
Cust: So all I have to do is tell you the password?
EC: Yes sir.
Cust: That's easy enough. I also would like to know how much the Honkers Channel would add if I were to combine it with the Ritalin and Premiere packages. Would I get a discount on that?
EC: Sir, I cannot discuss your account with you until you give me the password.
Cust: That's fine. You know, my wife would probably not like me getting the Honkers Channel so you can scratch that off.
EC: I have nothing to scratch it off of, sir, as I cannot touch your account or even discuss it with you until you give me the password.
Cust: Okay.
EC: So what is the password, sir?
Cust: Oh, okay.
EC: ...
EC: ...
EC: So could you give me the password?
Cust: Oh, sure. It's GreenGoblin, both G's in caps and no space in between.
EC: Alright, sir, now let's take a look at your account.
Cust: Great. Have a nice day. [click]
EC: Sir?

Since right before I started taking calls, I worried about taking calls. Not obsessively... okay, obsessively. My mind works on a time delay when communicating with other people, so I'm not particularly well-suited for the fast-paced, people-oriented world of taking phone calls. On top of that during my "training week" where I took calls with coaches present, I had to ask for a lot of help. I worried frantically about when I wouldn't have a coach there and the training wheels would be kicked off. To make matters worse, after my first week I knew my supervisor was taking a three week hiatus, meaning that not only would I not have three coaches, but I wouldn't even have a team leader to ask questions.

My first day on the actual floor I ran tallies of how many calls I took and how many times I asked for assistance cried for help. And I'd just like to say that today I became a king!

Monday, March 31:
Calls Taken: 38
Cries for Help: 12
Percent Cry: 31.5%

Tuesday, June 1:
Calls Taken: 40
Cries for Help: 8
Percent Cry: 20.0%

Wednesday, June 2:
Calls Taken: 65
Cries for Help: 12
Percent Cry: 18.5%

Thursday, June 3:
Calls Taken: 67
Cries for Help: 7
Percent Cry: 10.4%

Friday, June 4:
Calls Taken: 58
Cries for Help: 10
Percent Cry: 17.2%

Monday, June 7:
Calls Taken: 50
Cries for Help: 6
Percent Cry: 12.0%

Tuesday, June 8:
Calls Taken: 76
Cries for Help: 5
Percent Cry: 6.5%

Wednesday, June 9:
Calls Taken: 62
Cries for Help: 3
Percent Cry: 4.8%

Thursday, June 10:
Calls Taken: 77
Cries for Help: 4
Percent Cry: 5.2%

Monday, June 14:
Calls Taken: 75
Cries for Help: 0
Percent Cry: 0.0%

From a job posting in the area:

Assit in analyzing and evaluating exsisting or proposed systems and devising computer programs, sytems and related procedures to process data. Prepare charts, diagrams and reports to assist in problem analysis. Instructions and software fuctiunality. Encode, test debugg, and install operating programs and procdeures. Ability to assist with design, testing and implementation of aplications required to support project systems. Assist with the administration of software packges as requried.

I want to get a job with these people as a spell-checker. It'd probably require a lot of overtime, though.