Her story is she's changed her mind
She just can't help herself
She wrote please don't meet me at the Lynnville train
Cause I'm coming in with someone else
He's a quiet man, the neighbors say
But his pain won't go a way
So for better or worse he's going down
To meet the Lynnville train

Dateline: 2002 - Not my finest hour.

I was excited to see that the band Blue October was coming to town. BO ranked as one of my two favorite non-country Texas bands and I'd missed the two their two previous trips in to town. By heavens I wasn't going to miss them again.

There was only one problem. The same problem that prevented me from seeing them the last two times they had been through town: the ultimate Blue October fan, and the former love of my life, Audrey Elciem.

The good thing about parting ways in a city with millions and millions of people is that when you do, you don't have have to worry about running in to them accidentally. And so it was with Audrey and I. When things collapsed, I was pretty clear in establishing distance and nixing her invitation for a friendship.

But Houston's size is finite, and seeing each other again was inevitable.

I'd missed the last two Blue October shows, due in part to Audrey. One before our parting when I had an urgent need to get out of town and clear my head of all that was wrong with us and then shortly after because I knew she'd be there. But I wasn't going to keep missing shows on her account and when they came back around, it had been at least six months and I had at least marginally moved on.

None of that alleviated the big problem: she was going to be there. She was going to be there with him. Him being Vince Washburn, the guy who came in and asured my exit from her life. I'd never met Vince, had nothing against him beyond the adversarial relationship of new flame and old. Honestly, he seemed like a pretty decent guy - which made me hate him all the more, of course.

But it wasn't about Vince. It wasn't even about Audrey. It was about the fact that Audrey had swung from one relationship vine to another while I was somewhere in the pit. That's not to say that things were really bad in my life. My love life tended to go in two month cycles, one month with more opportunities than I know what to do with and then the next recuperating from all of the stress of said opportunities. This was during the latter part of the cycle.

While I knew I wasn't going to give her control over me via making me miss another BO show, the thought of showing up alone while she had a date and an enterouge of admirers pinged every narcissistic insecurity that I had. The truth is that I'm generally not that concerned with appearences or even of showing up exes. In fact, most of my relationships with old flames have been quite cordial. But none of the rules ever applied to Audrey. She was always a special case. And so it was here.

So the most obvious solution was to find a date. Except that my cycle was at a downturn and honestly I didn't need that kind of headache as I was, the week preceeding the Blue October show aside, happily single. So I needed a pretend date.

The first candidate was a friend in College Station that was apprised of the Audrey situation. She not only agreed to help me out and go, but offered to even act "familiar" with me (with certain understood guidelines). But while she is a real sweetheart, reliability isn't particularly her strong suit and I wasn't too surprised when she cancelled.

The next pick was a girl in Austin that I dated very breifly before she turned an about face and called the whole thing off. To be honest, I was somewhat relieved when she did, but I never told her that and being the hyper-neurotic sort, she was absolutely sure that she had broken my heart to itty bitty bits. So in her mind she owed me big time and I was somewhat prepared to take advantage of that.

Unfortunately, being the neurotic sort that she is she started assuming that this was some sort of plot to get back together with her and suddenly started hedging. Could she bring this other guy? Being a third wheel was hardly better than going alone so I wasn't enthusiastic about the idea. She said that was fine and then - just as I had suspected she would as soon as that conversation ended - found a reason not to go.

There was a third candidate that was completely enthusiastic about the possibility of helping me "stick it" to anyone that would have the audacity to break my heart. But I decided that wouldn't be a good idea since I was actually legitimately interested in her and that would be a really, really lousy way to get things started.

So I had two days to find a date, which was pretty hopeless. When I started wondering how much hiring out an escort for the duration of the show, I realized that it was all getting really out of hand and that I was letting her control me in the exact ways I had spent six months trying to avoid.

So I went alone. I decided of a place that I could go where I was unlikely to run in to her and decided to wear all black. Not only would all black help me blend in with the darkness of the room, but this was an alt-punk-rock show and everybody else where would be wearing all black, too!

I got there pretty early so that I could stake out my spot that would allow me to avoid her and also see where she was so that I could avoid her further. Much to my shock, there on the balcony where I intended to hide out was my good friend Brian's older sister and also my friend Stephanie and a couple of her friends. This would be perfect - I'd be surrounded by attractive female-types!

But she was only there for the opening act, Canvas. She was dating their flame-handler (if you've ever seen Canvas, you know who I'm talking about) and when Canvas got off the stage, she and her friends went to hang out with him. Just seeing her there, though, had a really relaxing effect. In addition to being Brian's sister, she was my friend. She reminded me that I do have friends and whatever Audrey might think of me, I'm not a pathetic nobody. That was my high point of the night.

I hadn't seen Audrey all show long and figured that she'd probably gotten a migraine or something. So I made the mistake of buying a T-shirt. That's when they found me. Well, her best buddy Ed found me and directed the gang of three (Ed, Audrey, and Vince). My first thought was "Steph, where are you?!?!?!" followed by a couple of deep breaths and realizing that yes, I was in fact breathing, and I would survive this.

Audrey and I talked just a moment. Ed and I talked a second or two. I almost extended my hand to shake Vince's, but the second we made eye contact he looked away and within seconds he guided Audrey away to somewhere - anywhere - else. The encounter lasted less than two minutes.

When I got home I talked to Brian and told him about before I could tell him about running in to his sister there, he asked, "So how was it?"

"Outstanding! Vince actually looks something like me except shorter, squatier, and less self-confident," I said, without a hint of the irony I would realize the next day.

"I meant the show."

"Oh, it was alright."
His story is he's changed his mind,
He just can't help himself
So he's getting on board the Lynnville train
And moving on to someplace else
As the train pulls out he watches them both
Standing in the pouring rain
He's headed for a new life down the line
On the Lynnville Train

Robert Earl Keen
"Lynnville Train"

You're older that you've ever been
and now you're even older
and now you're even older
and now you're even older
You're older that you've ever been
and now you're even older
and now you're older still

In one of our more poignant conversations before I left Houston, Audrey and I talked about the seriousness of the decisions we needed to make in our respective lives. Particularly as they related to love and marriage. Though we focused on different areas (me on a stable family and she on a soulmate), we both have the tendency to get ahead of ourselves. At one point she blurted out, "You know, we're only twenty-five."

Yesterday I turned twenty-six.

So now I'm twenty six years, zero months, one day, five hours, and thirty-four minutes old.

This is not where I'm supposed to be right now. Right now, I'm supposed to be working with my wife trying to concieve our first child. We've been married for two years or so. The girl could be Anna, Ora, or some girl that I never met or one that I did in passing and never thought twice of. That's more or less how I saw things right up until my twenty-third birthday past and I wasn't married. I spent a good part of the next couple of years trying to play catch-up with an urgency that was, in retrospect, toxic.

I think that there were times when my hurry to find someone had less to do with being lonely and a lot more to do with getting that part of my life settled so that I could spend my time and energy on other pursuits.

In some ways, it's good that the woman I met and moved to Idaho for is suspended in time for the next couple of years. There's no rush because we're not going anywhere for at least another two years. If things go well we may or may not be married before then. There's no wondering why we're not further along because there's nowhere further along we can really be. There's no impetus on having kids early (which was always my plan) because as long as she's a resident, it would be a logistical nightmare.

time - is marching on
and time - is still marching on

That leaves me a lot of time to think. That can be a double-edged sword, of course, with the way my mind works. But it allows me to reflect on who I am, where I am, and explore my life with the sort of relaxation I'd imagine a weekend fishing hobbyist feels waiting for the next bite because there's no way to proactively make a fish take the bait. In the meantime, I have the pleasurable company of a woman that I love and who, for reasons beyond my ability to comprehend in these trying months of unemployment, underemployment, and personal doubts, believes in me.

It's also given me time to look at who I've been and appreciate that I haven't been nearly as ready for my future marriage and family as I thought I was at the time. As much as I wish I was - and think I am - ready right now for it, I'm probably not.

"So," I think to myself, "I've got two years to get there."

And the urgency returns.

this day will soon be at an end
and now it's even sooner
and now it's even sooner
and now it's even sooner
this day will soon be at an end
and now it's even sooner
and now it's sooner still
-They Might Be Giants, "Older"

I still owe some Lyrigraphs, which I'll get around to posting soon. In the mean time, Tobacco Road Fogey has what could pass as one relating to a country song that I'm unfamiliar with.

Hello God, it's me again. 2:00 a.m., Room 304.
Visiting hours are over, time for our bedside tug of war.
This sleeping child between us may not make it through the night.
I'm fighting back the tears as she fights for her life.
How many times have we all bargained with God when one of our children had some kind of need? More often than any of us care to admit, I'm sure. It's been said that there are no atheists in foxholes. Nor are there many at the bedsides of sick children.

If the music video is as good as he says it is, I look forward to seeing it.

It was our last night together before I left for the anime conference in DFW. In any relationship, there are times when you are perfectly in-sync and others when you are not. Seeing as how we weren't going to be able to see each other for at least another week, we were both disappointed that we had an off night. A couple things I'd said rubbed her the wrong way and her failure to understand what I was trying to say frustrated me.

I'd thought about staying the night to get an early start the next morning, but the longer I was there, the worst things got. She was worried about me driving in the harsh weather, but I didn't see it being much better the next day. "Well then," I said with a smile, "it's probably a good thing that I'm going to Dallas because I'll be getting out of the monsoon."

She was not amused.

There are angels all around us with snakes at their feet
It's been raining now for thirty-nine days
and there's garbage floating down the street

By the end of the evening, I left without so much as a kiss goodbye.

I didn't want to be your downfall, I just couldn't help myself
You wrapped your arms around me and the stars shattered and fell

It was my first Anime conference and as such, probably the most enjoyable. There was a girl there in a Juri costume that caught my attention. She was attractive enough, but that wasn't what grabbed my attention. It felt like I knew her. I wondered if perhaps she'd come from the Houston area like myself. Maybe she went to UH. Strange, though, I felt like I'd known her all my life, though I'd never spoken to her.

Adam, Jay and I were waiting in a long line the second evening when the girl behind us struck up a conversation. Since she was in line alone, I guessed that we were all she had to talk to. Nonetheless, it was a pleasent enough conversation that I'd felt that I made my first friend there in Jessica.

After the Cosplay later on that evening, I was wanting to get away from the gang a bit and hoping to get to talk to someone. I was actually looking for Juri to ask her if I knew her from somewhere when I saw Jessica in the corner of my eye. A guy dressed in a Kuno outfit was hitting on her. I was a bit reluctant to interrupt, but once I did, I'm not sure what came over me. Perhaps it was competition, which sometimes tends to bring out my uglier side, but I was able to dispatch Kuno in doubletime. It was kind of a shame because Kuno struck me as a nice (if a bit socially inept) fellow and he was obviously available while I wasn't, so I was denying her the opportunity to meet someone. It didn't stop me, though.

I was a little reluctant to tell her my age. I was wearing gray hair-dye and figured that she probably thought I was older than I was and I'd figured I was younger than she was. When we finally exchanged ages, we were both a bit flabbergasted. She'd thought I was twenty-eight and was off the mark by seven years. I thought she was twenty-four or so and I was off the mark by a whopping nine years.

She was fifteen.

I hadn't told her about Anna yet and found it somewhat peculiar that she would even be talking to a guy she thought was twice her age.

Not that it mattered, after all, as I was unavailable.

I wish I was innocent
There's blood on my hands
I wish I was innocent
We've gone too far and seen too much
to ever get back to innocence

After having spent the rest of the convention together, we exchanged some contact information and talked substantially afterwards. I hadn't known for certain that she had any romantic designs on me at the convention, but she spilled the guts pretty quickly afterwards.

I wasn't sure what to say. I was a little reluctant to tell her about Anna because I didn't know how I'd come off at the convention. I wasn't intending to flirt (okay, maybe a little during my competition with Kuno), but while I'd never given her the indication that I was interested, I never really know how I come off (and inversely I was quite dim about whether a girl was flirting or not). I told her that a relationship was unworkable due to age and distance.

Both very good reasons.

The more I found out about her, the more I really began to respect her. I was (and am) generally suspicious of girls who claimed that they were "mature for their age" as most girls self-evaluate their maturity inaccurately high. In her case, though, she had grown up a lot. Having spent her early formative years being tossed around between her alcoholic father and mentally-troubled mother, she'd basically raised herself.

The subject of us came up again and I came clean. She oddly respected what she'd falsely considered candor (it was truthful, but rather seriously delayed) and even apologized for misunderstanding me. Shortly thereafter, she got a boyfriend.

The letters and conversations, however, didn't stop. In fact, since I finally came clean about it, I was able to talk to her more honestly than before. I didn't have anything to hide anymore and I could tell her that in a different time and place, she would in fact be exactly what I was looking for. That lead to more and more intimate, though not damning, conversation.

It wasn't until a few months before the next convention that she made a proposition for the next convention. I didn't want to cheat on Anna, but it came at such a unique time and place, I had difficulty throwing it completely out of my mind. Before I had too much time to think about it, I recieved a threatening piece of mail that provided me an easy out of a conversation that I wasn't comfortable in.

She respected my decision and agreed to cease correspondence. Everything was okay again.

There's a preacher on the corner
I just walk away
He's throwing grace all around the place
Am I too far gone to save?

It wasn't much after that when Akon rolled around again. With the whole Jessica situation resolved, I started increasingly looking forward to the trip away from my Houston troubles.

When we saw each other again, she was with friends that didn't know about me and it was hard to act as though she were just a casual acquaintance from the previous year's convention, but I managed to. I was depressed and angry for unrelated reasons, and I was a bit surprised how much her presence at the convention, and my inability to so much as talk to her, bothered me.

It reached the low point at the dance. Being six feet tall, she wasn't hard to spot. I couldn't tell much about the guy that she was with except that he was extremely dopey looking. Dopey looking, and older than me.

I had no right to be jealous. I was the one that cut things off, after all, cause of the mail. No, not really. I wasn't that concerned about the mail. I was concerned about my relationship. The previous convention Anna and I had left on a bad note. That one we had a better run on that, but the relationship that I left was vastly different. It wasn't the letter, but the emotional turmoil that was rapidly infultrating the relationship.

So there I was, watching the only other girl in my life, dancing with some other guy. I had an unhappy relationship at home and a formerly would-be girlfriend dancing with Dopey while I looked on, alone, drinking whiskey. I was on my sixth glass. I hate whiskey.

The next morning, I woke up not with a hangover, but with a mission. I found Jessica before Dopey did and we started talking. When Dopey finally arrived, he was given the could shoulder in double-time and Jess and I had won yet again. We spent the rest of the day together. A few hours before the end of the convention, we were in a room watching crazy Japanese commercials when she put her head on my shoulder. I put my arm around her. We kissed.

I think I have good intentions, I never wanted to be this way
I just wanted to be the air you breathe and I watched you suffocate

It was that moment that any semblance of deniability in regards to my relationship with Anna was shattered. The kiss was not only a turning point between Jessica and I, but between Anna and I again: the beginning of the end.

I wish I was innocent
There's blood on my hands
I wish I was innocent
We've gone too far and seen too much
to ever get back to innocence

[Lyrics from Peter Stuart's "Innocence"]

[Note: In case you can't tell, I did not write this from my point-of-view]

I first met Alex when I worked at the Starlight 16 theater. I was in a relationship with Sergei at the time, so it wasn't love at first site or anything. Still, there was something about him that I was really drawn to and I could feel that he was drawn to me. We really didn't know each other, but he still kept following me out stopping where I stopped so that he could keep talking to me. He wasn't very subtle.

I never really even got the chance to tell him about Sergei. Starlight fired him after a couple of weeks.

From the day we met
You made me forget
All my fears
Knew just what to say
And you kissed away
All my tears

When he lost his job at Starlight, he'd mentioned to our mutual friend Millie that he was interested and Millie, being the loud-mouth that she is, told me. So when things with Sergei collapsed, I naturally thought of him and asked Millie how he was doing.

As expected, Alex called a couple of days later. It was amazing how things between us just kind of folded together. We were coming from a similar place because he'd been hurt recently, too, by a girl named Ora. It was one of the many things that we talked about. We really has so much in common that neither of us had with Sergei or Ora.

A few months into the relationship, it occured to him that we might have been a rebound thing. He was actually worried that he was just the "redundant sequel" after Sergei. He was so happy when I told him that it honestly felt like Sergei was just the warm-up for him.

I knew this time I had finally found
Someone to build my life around
Who'd be a lover and a friend
After all my heart had put me through
I knew that it was safe with you
And what we had would never end

Over the months, and then years, of the relationship, Alex managed to tear down the walls that I'd built up to protect myself from Sergei. He was amazingly patient. He never got mad or jealous, which seemed to be all Sergei ever was. I was also perfect for him and he said so repeatedly. I was unquestionably faithful and I didn't lavish in attention the same way Ora had.

What more could we want?

Wrong again

It hit me like a freight train. He'd never given the slightest indication that there was something wrong. In fact, I thought things were going better than ever. Sure, there were a couple of gripes that I had and maybe I repeated them too often, but couldn't he have said anything before he did?

I've always had a jealous streak. I don't really know why, but I would get nervous any time he mentioned a female friend or Ora. But I'd finally gotten beyond it and when I told him that I wasn't jealous over him anymore because I felt I could trust him completely, he simply said, "I see."

I asked him what he meant by that and he told me.

Everybody swore
They'd seen this before
We'd be fine
And you'd come to see that you still loved me
In good time

I was sure that we could make things work. I was also pretty sure that this was just a mood. It wasn't until we really started talking about it that I began to understand that he'd been thinking about it a lot. A whole lot.

And they said there's nothing you can do
It's something that he's going through
It happens to a lot of men
And I told myself that they were right
That you'd wake up and see the light
And I just had to wait 'til then

We argued about it fiercely. Looking back, I'm not even sure what I was trying to save, but at the time I was certain that he loved me, I loved him, and that if we stayed together, things would just work, dammit. I eventually sent our friends Pierce and Sola to go see him so that he would realize that a mistake he was making.

He talked to Sola first and she came out of it agreeing with him. When she and I started talking about it, we both realized that it had been there all along. He had been growing dispondant. I saw this, but I mistook it for quiet comfort, much as I'd thought his jealousy was out of trust and not because he wouldn't allow himself to love me completely because he was afraid of me leaving as Ora did.

But didn't he realize that I wasn't?

Wrong again

I don't know that it really mattered, though. If he couldn't see that, what hope was there for the relationship, anyway? I looked around the room and he was everywhere. His picture; gifts he'd given me. After talking to Pierce, he called me to let me know he was coming over.

One by one, I started taking the pictures down.

And it seemed to me the pain would last
My chance for happiness had passed
With nothing waitin' 'round the bend
I was sure I'd never find someone
To heal the damage you had done
And my poor heart would never mend

I told Alex that if he ever changed his mind, I wanted to know. He'd said that he'd been keeping his feelings so controls that he couldn't feel freely. I felt if I could just love him enough, it would be enough for both of us or at least for him to find what we once had. He said that he buried his emotions when things with Ora ended and that he needed to find someone that could touch that emotional nerve to bring him back - or he'd need to find someone as emotionally dead as himself.

I told him that at that point, I was every bit as emotionally dead.

Wrong again

We had decided to keep in contact since between Sergei and Alex, I hadn't been single in over five years and he hadn't been single in four. Things didn't really work out that way. He met a girl named Elciem that seemed to be occupying all of his time and energy. He was never really the same person after our relationship ended and it felt like, in a way, the person that I loved no longer existed.

I started hanging out more and more with Pierce. Alex was very sweet about it when I brought up what I thought was happening. he even offered to help find out if Pierce felt the same way that I did. I thanked him for it, but he said that he owed me at least that and a whole lot more. His unique form of alimony, I guess.

Pierce and I moved in together less than six months later and have been living happily ever since.

[lyrics from Martina McBride's "Wrong Again"]

DECEMBER 22, 2000 - HOUSTON, TX

It was Phil Pritchett's last regular show in Houston. Brian and Jay had made it down from Austin and Waco respectively, and we were joined by my newly exxed ex-girlfriend Anna, our mutual friend Pierce, and his sister June. It was the largest group we'd ever gotten together for a Phil show, which was usually restricted to just Brian, Jay in myself. In fact, it had become one of the traditions that helped solidify our friendship for some time to come. Phil had become an institution among us, and through the other three we were trying to bring over converts to the religion that was about to move to Tennessee.

Why do all the right songs
speak of leaving and moving along?
This one my dear
says I'm staying here
cause forever with you's not too long.

It came at one of the biggest turning points I'd had in my relatively short life. Anna and I had broken up less than a week before, ending a four-year relationship that had been moving apart for the last few months. It was amicable, as far as these things go, and we'd amazingly survived it as friends. I spent more time that evening talking to Brian and Jay, though, unsure of what to say to someone I loved very much, but already felt like a figure from my last. Jay and Brian, in our relatively newfound tightly-knit three-way friendship, had become my present. The girl that it seemed would be my future was at her then-boyfriend's house, setting her own past apart.

Why do all the textbooks
teach mathematics
or perhaps how to cook?
I'd like to read a few
about loving you
but I just don't know where to look.

Blind Luck, a rock group trying to move away from its country roots, opened for Phil as they had the last few shows. They were noticeably improving every show and this one was no different. They had the advantage of an extremely attractive lead singer, so they grew on Anna and June considerably quicker than they had grown on Brian, Jay, and myself. We'd initially endured them waiting for Phil, but with each show I made more and more of an effort to get there in time to see their act. Before long, I would watch them open for other groups and leave when the headliners took the stage. They had the advantage of an extremely attractive lead singer, so they grew on Anna and June considerably quicker than they had grown on Brian, Jay, and myself.

Phil eventually made it on stage, wearing a two-tone brown cowboy shirt. Pierce wasn't very much in to country - and looking at June, I could tell she wasn't, either - so I had played down the country tone of much of Phil's earlier stuff. Phil's attire wasn't helping my case any. In the end, though, Phil sounds like Phil and he moves beyond genre with his sturdy, distinct voice. I have been to so many Pritchett shows prior and his solo returns since that the particular set he plays escapes me. He did catch my attention by playing his most popular song halfway through the show. He generally would save that song for the end of the show, never failing to impress us with his creative guitar playing that would make the five-minute song a fifteen minute closer or encore.

Why must it always be ending?
I'm always waiting for more.
I've got a cigarette lighter
that I'm saving for the encore.

By that point Jay, Brian, and I were standing off to the side and moving to the music. Pierce would later say that I needed to "learn what rhythm is," but I didn't care. I'd decided to stay relatively sober so that I wouldn't miss a minute of his show, unlike a previous instance where I still can't remember much of what happened that night. Phil signed the back of my CD that night "Quit drinking so much!" I am certain with a few Schlaugers, I'd have been much more impressive. Pierce wouldn't agree but Jay, after an equal number of Schlaugers, certainly would.

Between the show and the encore, my mind tried to absorb the world that was changing around me. Somewhere across town my future was fighting with her future's past. I would glance over at my past; she was sitting at our table talking and joking with Pierce, who would become her future. Phil was on stage playing his heart out in the last show in front of an audience that was becoming his past as he headed for Nashville. Beside me were Jay and Brian, who, despite living hundreds of miles away, were the only ones not going anywhere.

Why do all the great days
have to end in a twilighted haze?
I'd like to see one
hold on to the Sun
and cure it of its setting ways.

It was an exciting time, whether I realized it at the time or not. I think a part of me was there just to forget the doubts I was having about my future across town, the regrets about my past sitting across the room, and living, for once, in the present. It was hard to let go of what I once thought would never end, looking at someone I loved more than I was ever able to demonstrate.

I wondered what Phil's encore was going to be, hoping beyond hope it would be the song that he had never played in all the times that I had seen him perform. Stories had been past around that he would never play it for sentimental reasons because he attached it to a painful memory in his life. It was a shame, because it was one of the best songs in his arsenal. Finally, after his second and presumably last encore song, we were ready to go. That's when we heard the chords. It was the song. He was playing it at last. As a final goodbye to his fans, he finally played "The Encore."

Why do all the right songs
speak of leaving and moving along?
This one my dear
says I'm staying here
cause forever with you's not too long...

It's a song about trying to hold on to what's passing you by. I couldn't help but look at Anna, think of her parents that would never be my in-laws, and purge the memories of the life I had walked away from just five days before. I would hear Phil play the song again, nearly a year later, on my last date with the girl across town that I had thought was my future before I walked away, yet again, under very different of circumstances.

Phil eventually came back. Anna found the happiness she deserves with Pierce. What was then my future disappeared in a cloud of smoke. Jay went back to Waco. Brian went back to Austin. I went back home. We all got on with our lives. Sometimes, there is no encore. Sometimes there shouldn't be.

Why must it always be ending
always waiting for more
but I've got a cigarette lighter
and I'm waiting for the encore...

-Phil Pritchett, "The Encore"

I heard this song a few times last week as I was preparing for the Mark David Manders show and came up with the concept on it. A dear friend told me that she misses my more drama-drenched writing, so here's a bit of that.

It takes place earlier this year during the My Little Identity Crisis Melodrama series.

Growing up and growing older
don’t always go hand in hand
And it’s not the weight on your shoulders
that makes you a man
Is this world we know
spinning out of control
Or is it just me?

Matthew was one of the most charismatic people that I knew way back when. He had a soft voice, an unassuming demeanor, and a way of communicating that made you want to like him, however much reason you privately had not to. Matthew was bisexual and it was his crusade to prove that everyone else was, too. He won over at least four converts that I know about, though I'm quite positive there were more.

I didn't know Jonathan all that well, mostly through his brother. He was always a good kid. Kind of shy, but very smart and studious. I'm not sure when he became Matthew's mark, though he was proudly bisexual by the time he was fourteen and widely regarded as Matthew's sidekick. I wasn't sure what happened between them, but at some point they had an argument. I actually read the letter that Jonathan sent to his mentor. He called Matthew something to the effect of an "empty human being without a clue of who you are except by the people you use and the heads you screw with."

Jonathan wasn't bisexual anymore after that. Nor was he the same smart kid that he had been before. Well, I suppose he was still smart, but not as book-smart or studious. I didn't think that much more about him until he'd single-handedly torpedoed two relationships by sweeping the girls off their feet. He left a third in pieces that her friend Jamie had to pick up. Nearly every girl I knew at the time had been taken by him, strung along, and unceremoniously dropped as soon as they became a drag.

I suppose Jonathan was studious all along. He just stopped studying the books and started studying his mentor, the master.

I went to church when I was younger
and they taught me to believe
Now I can’t help but wonder
what’s been happening to me
Has God lost all faith
in the human race
Or is it just me?

Alan is the son of a fundamentalist Christian minister. When he first met Sally, he didn't know if things were going to work out because his father strenuously objected to his dating a Catholic. After about a month of flirting, he finally took the plunge and they ended up dating for about a year and a half.

I never cared much for him. Well, I might have at one point, but then he hurt one of my best friends. Out of the blue, he dumped her refusing to explain why and left her in an emotional wreck. It wasn't until a couple months later that the rumors started surfacing. He'd been cheating on her. We never got the details as to what happened, all we knew was that it was with another guy named Chris.

Alan had fought off rumors of homosexuality before getting together with Sally. But no one could argue that they were a cute couple and seemed right for one another. There was always something a little off about them, though. An emotional distance from an otherwise engaging person. She commented on a couple of occasions that they seemed closer when they were just friends. No one quite understood when they broke up. Not until his involvement with Chris started becoming public knowledge.

At first he denied it, then when a witness and the credible originator of the rumor stepped forward, he said that he was drunk. When Chris said that it had actually happened repeatedly, he called Chris a liar. He got another girlfriend within weeks, but it didn't last very long. Nor did the next one. In fact, in all the time since, he hasn't been able to maintain anything close to a lasting relationship. He couldn't even blame it on the rumors because he was always the one that dumped them because it "didn't feel right."

I wonder if he wonders why. I wonder if he's just convinced himself that he hasn't met the right girl. I wonder if he's allowed himself to even consider the alternative and if the fear of being disowned by his family, laughed at by his friends, and shunned by his conservative classmates at his conservative university has driven the questions out of the conscious arena and driven him into the arms of one girl after the next.

Swing low, swing low Swing low
swing low for me tonight

I wonder if he knew Matthew.

I started drinking much too early
and it led me astray
It doesn’t matter if I was thirteen
or it was ten o’clock today
It’s just the same old song;
Man is there something wrong
Or is it just me?

When my friend Jamie and I were in high school, she had a boyfriend named Terry. There was a party at our friend Eddie's house and Terry didn't want to drive so far out of his way to get his girlfriend, so she wasn't able to go. When she talked to me about it, I volunteered to swing out of my way and get her so that she could go. Terry was livid that another guy was going to be his girlfriend's ride and forbade her, and me, to do it.

We did so anyway and Terry was cold to us both all night long. He conspicuously flirted with another girl. I suspected it was to "teach Jamie a lesson" but Jamie thought that's why he didn't want her to go. It's difficult to say who is right. In order to avoid the shadow of Terry hanging over us, we had a drinking contest. The more she drank, a different side of her started coming out. She didn't just think that Terry was cheating on her, she knew it.

When we found her head bleeding from pounding it on the gravelly pavement, we didn't know exactly what to do. She kept asking for Terry, but he was too busy flirting with the other girl. When we pulled him aside to talk about it, he said that after the fool she's made of herself, there was no way in hell he was talking to her again that night, if ever. Finally, our friend Shawn took her to bandage her up and I went to get some food to put in her. Terry, getting upset and feeling upstaged because everyone was taking care of his girlfriend but him, ended up going with me.

On the way there, Terry was verbally reaming Jamie for making a fool out of herself. "Didn't she know how to control her booze?" he asked.

I wanted to point out that no fourteen year old can control their booze and it wasn't "Budweiser" she was calling out as she bashed her head against the concrete, but while the drinking contest was her idea, I did partake, so I bit my tongue. When we got back, he took the burger from my hands and coldly gave it to her.

Her face lit up. Her man was taking care of her. She apologized profusely for embarassing him. He said that he didn't know if he was going to be able to forgive her. She didn't care, though, her man was taking care of her. They broke up a month later, but got together again a month after that. He finally dumped her for good a few months after that when she got cancer and was unable to go out anymore.

She's recovered from the cancer and Terry is a distant memory. We still talk a lot and I'm one of her closer friends. She's still not quite legal, but that doesn't stop her from throwing down the alcohol. It was a particular problem when she was with Jack, her ex-boyfriend who was truly dangerous. Since she finally left him for good, she goes out a lot, drinks a lot, and regularly wakes up with strangers by her side.

She beat the cancer, but she never stopped pounding her head on the pavement.

Now I’m not drinking to ward off demons,
no, I’ve learned to live with them
And I’ve learned to live with questions,
but there’s one thing I can’t stand
And in the back of my mind I’m afraid I’ll find
It’s just me...

I'd clearly lost my mind. I was sitting there working on my sixth glass of whiskey, watching people dance. Well, not everyone, just one person in particular. Red is dancing with a dufus who is probably five years my senior. I have no right to be angry about it because I brushed her off. I told her that she was too young, that I was too far away, and just about everything except for the fact that I had a girlfriend. I don't know why I omitted that particular detail. It certainly would have taken me a lot less time to get her to move on, which I told her to do the second I realized that she was attracted to me. Well, she's moved on, dancing with Dufus, and watching me watch her. My eyes didn't leave her when I bought my seventh glass and slowly stumbled my way to my chair. Why was I upset? It's not anger. It couldn't be jealousy because I told her I didn't want anything from her. And besides, I was in a relationship. A happy relationship. Right?

Swing low, swing low
Swing low, swing low
Swing low, swing low
For me tonight

Red was always a hard case. When she was a todler, her father left home. He mother was a fierce alcoholic so, by the time she was thirteen or so, she was practically taking care of herself. One summer she was sent to her grandmother's house and her mother never came to pick her up. The mother had moved out of her apartment and no one knew exactly where she was. Red lived with her grandmother for her remaining couple of years of high school and scored a scholarship to Arkansas.

She met a fellow named Blain there and they hit it off. By the time she accepted that he was an unrecoverable alcoholic and philanderer, her grades had fallen and she lost her scholarship. She's now in the armed forces.

You know, I've been putting myself on trial
I guess if I'm conviced
it'll only prove that the deepest wounds
are the ones that are self-inflicted

Presh was a Christian. I don't know what denomination, or whether she attended church at all, but her relationship with God caused her consternation in her relationship with Michael. One night, when we were eating at a Mexican restaurant, we were talking about her relationship and whether or not she should stay in it and she asked me, "Would anyone even date me? I'm not a virgin."

As long as I'd known her, she'd been with Michael. She was utterly devoted to him and I assumed that she was happy with him until she forcefully assured me otherwise. Presh was a big girl and, despite her unhappiness, she wasn't sure if she could handle being single and alone. While she weathered the storm, his verbal and physical abuse was more than I could handle. I devoted all my energy to getting her to leave him.

The more time we spent together, the more we brightened one another's day. We went out to the theater, saw movies indoors, ate. Some days we felt like a couple. Of course we weren't. I'd like to say that it was just because of Michael, but the more she talked and wavered, the more I knew that she simply couldn't handle the thought of being single and that if I'd simply let her know that she wouldn't be, she'd do it.

One night we'd been staying out later than usual and when we got back, Michael was at her house waiting. Presh told me to go. I honestly didn't know how safe it was, but her parents were there so I reasoned that everything would be okay.

He ended up breaking things off that night. Presh and I would go out afterwards, but we'd never cross that threshold. I don't know if I wasn't physically attracted to her or if I was just afraid I would let her down, both, or something else entirely.

Within a month, Michael forgave her and they were back together. I haven't spoken to her in three or four years, but I assume that they're married by now.

And God, what am I supposed to do
Nothing seems to make any sense
You know, I think I have faith in You
I just need a little more evidence
So swing low, swing low
Swing low, swing low
Swing low, swing low
For me tonight

I never fit in very well at the upper-middle class high school that I went to. The biggest problems they seemed to have were broken nails and broke-down Camaros. If I could do it all over again, I'd do a number of things differently and perhaps after the second go-around, I'd have a different perspective on it all. But I didn't know then what I know now, and around my sophomore year, I found Acme and it didn't matter anymore.

I first logged on to Acme peers, but the people there are often the same black-vested kids that I would have logged on to Acme in yesteryear had they been more than five years old. As I get older, I go to the chat rooms less and less as the age difference between me and everyone else becomes more pronounced. I don't have much in common with them anymore. But periodically I go just to see, reminisce, and observe.

As I watch, I naturally assume that the people I see talking will eventually grow beyond the nihilistic dribble they mistake for intellectual conversation. But when I think about my fellow Acme alums, I often wonder. Many of them are in the same place that they were, just in an updated young adult version. Every bit as macabre and dour. The sense of alienation from society that I move past seems to be largely embraced by a good number of them. Maybe they never tried to acclamate themselves to society or maybe they did and failed.

There is an old saying that birds of a feather flock together. Contrawise, there is a saying that opposites attract. I don't know which one applies to me more. Throughout my life, I've been surrounded by emotionally turbulent people. Whether they were Acme people or not, they're the same kind of folk. I often find myself wondering if they are attracted to me (and vice-versa) because we are kindred spirits or because in me they see a pillar of strength. Am I drawn to them because I see something oddly familiar and in need of growing up or because of some hidden desire on my part to regress.

I talk to them, I counsel them, and I listen to them. They tell me about their problems and I prescribe solutions. I tell them to go along and get along, don't seek out conflict, concentrate on the important things and let everything else go. I also tell them that they need to figure out what they want from life. They listen, they nod, they ignore my advice, and then come back for more.

It's a shame, really, because unless they figure out what they want and stop taking what's either easy or immediately enticing, they'll simply spend the rest of their lives aimlessly drifting into the wilderness.

Or is it just me?

[Song lyrics from Mark David Manders's "Just Me"]

Unlike most Lyrigraphs, this one is not based on something that happened. Rather, it's based on a rather elaborate dream that I had last night. Most of my dreams have anamolies in them as dreams are wont to, so I wittled this one down into the coherent story of the dream. All of the discriptions are as real as I remember them. Lastly, I'm not aiming for any ethnic slurring inuendo with the landlord character. That just happens to be the only thing that I remember about her.

When the earth was still flat and clouds made of fire
and mountains stretched up to the sky
sometimes higher

My estranged girlfriend and I were going to a Blue October show. We'd gotten lost a couple times on the way up, but eventually found our way. Our car trip had just given her more time to drink so by the time we got there, she was plastered. Unlike most Blue October shows, this one was at the Astrodome and not Fitz. The stage was set up on where the field used to be, but now only resided a concrete floor. No one sat in the bleachers, so it was not a show big enough worthy of the huge venue. She raced onto the concrete field leaving me behind. I wasn't in the mood to be amongst the big crowd, so I decided to go find a bite to eat.

folks roamed the earth
like big rolling kegs
they had two sets of arms
they had two sets of legs
They had two faces peering of one giant head
so they could watch all around them
as they talked while they read
and they never knew nothing of love
It was before the origin of love

The restaurant was actually inside the Dome, running along the wall where hot dog stands or restrooms usually were. It was an actual restaurant, though, with an entrance and places to eat. They're all the rage in the new stadiums, but I hadn't recalled the Astrodome ever having one. The diner was long and narrow, with only one booth to either side of the walkway. There was a counter to the left of the entrance, a fountain beside that, and a restroom in the corner on the left, so there was actually only a couple booths on the left side with several on the right. The floor was concrete, but they'd added a superfluous wooden wall to give it the "feel" of a place that was not actually just a little restaurant in a nook or cranny of the stadium. The tables were also wood with a red and white plastic tablecloth. The wooden benches had red pads that were added for comfort, but looked odd hanging off the unfinished wood. The lighting was the ultrabright lighting that when poorly kept up with flickers and hurts the eyes of everyone around. The kind you usually see in offices.

There were a couple people in line ordering food and a couple taking their burger and fries, cobbled together in a red plastic basket with wax paper lining. There was only one person seated alone in a booth. She was looking in my direction, but quite obviously staring into the abyss. I, along with the passing Blue October fans outside the door, were invisible to her. That gave me the opportunity to look at her without being seen, an opportunity that people-watchers such as myself love.

Now there was three sexes
and one that looked like two men
glued up back to back
they were called the children of the sun
And similar in strength and girth
was the children of the earth
looked liked two girls rolled up in one
and the children of the moon
looked like a fork stuck on a spoon
it was part sun, part earth,
part daughter, part son

Her hair was bleached blond, a few shades too light to be natural, coming down to her shoulders before falling behind them to be caught by a scrunchy I couldn't see that was probably half-way down her back, only holding her hair enough to keep it out of her eyes.. It was so straight and thin it looked like it had been ironed. Her hair was apparently naturally pretty dark, or at least that's what her dark brown of black eyebrows told me. At one point she was wearing black mascara and lipstick, though both had worn away. The mascara had either been worn off or cried away by tears that had apparently dried. Her lipstick was still slightly darkened at the edges, but their pinkness had snuck through. Her skin was extremely pale, so much so that she looked completely white where the bright lights glistened off her skin of her collarbone, nose and a couple other places. Her collarbone and a little bit of the cleavage borne from her full figure were exposed by her liberally unbottoned plaid red and black flannel shirt. It was too sizes too large. She wore a tight black spandex bra beneath.

I slipped into the bench opposite of her in the booth and started talking. I couldn't hear what I was saying and when she replied, I was equally deaf to her words. I wanted to get a better look of her face, but from the moment I sat down on, she kept looking down. We talked for what seemed like hours. I just kept looking at her while she periodically looked up at me with her pale, pale blue eyes, before looking back down. As the conversation rolled on, I decided I wanted to do something to make her feel better, or at least make myself feel better by trying. I placed my hand on hers and noticed in a horrifying instant that she was wearing black nail polish. For whatever reason, nail polish is the biggest repellent that any woman can wear and that was a bigger sign of our impermanence than my loud, obnoxious girlfriend by the stage fifty yards away. But it was too late. Once I did that, she finally looked up at me and grasped my hand. Suddenly, it didn't seem to matter anymore.

Now the Gods grew quite scared
of our strength and defiance
And Thor said, I'm going to kill them
all with my hammer like I killed the giants

But Zeus said, "No you better let me
use my lightning like scissors.
Like I cut the legs off the whales and
and Dinosaurs into lizards"

We talked about a lot of things while our hands were touching, then holding. I was still oblivious to most her words and mine, though I could feel the tone change. Periodically she'd stop from telling me something and I could read her lips asking "What?" And I would say "nothing" and smile. My smile kept getting bigger.

Finally, we got up and walked out, arm in arm. In the chair she had slumped. With our arms locked, she stood taller than I had expected. I left my soon to be ex-girlfriend at the show, but I don't think I cared.

Then he grabbed up some bolts
and he let out a laugh
Said. "I'll split them right down the middle and
cut them right up in half
And the storm clouds gathered above
in great balls of fire

It was some time later when we were having another fierce argument. When we first got this place, I remember it seeming so large. Now it's just a mid-sized room with a corridoor hallway. The wood is finished, but it's scratched here and there. While I recall their having been doors in the hallway before, right now the only one leads straight to the bedroom. She looked different. Her nail polish was gone and her thin bleached hair had given way to a full brown color. The nail polish was gone. She still kept the mildly pudgy figure that she had when we met, but it was so much more attractive to me. Her face hung down over her face. Periodically, I could see one pale blue eye looking at me through tears that wouldn't dry. She was no longer standing tall, instead sitting slumped on the edge of our bed.

And then fire shot down from the sky in bolts
like shining blades of a knife
and it ripped right through the flesh
of the children of the sun
and the moon
and the earth
And some Indian God, sewed the wound up into a hole
pulled around to our bellies
to remind us of the price we paid

We were interrupted by a pounding at the door. I walked out of the room and across the thin hallway and answered it. It was a thin, elderly Jewish woman who immediately began yelling at me with some paper in her hand. I yelled back, but there wasn't much I could say to her. She peered over to see my partner, but the hallway was far too thin and long for her to see much of anything. Did the woman think she'd left me? I didn't know, but I know that thought would have pleased her immeasurably. I wasn't going to let her in, but she brusqued right by me. When I caught up she'd made it in the room with my estranged lover laying on the bed, crying. I told the woman to leave, but she chose not to. I think it was her property and she had the right to stay. She yelled some more and handed me the folded paper with our room number written on red ink on the outside. I didn't need to read it to know what it said.

I kept asking myself "Where are we going to live?" Or maybe I was just worried about where I was going to live.

And Osirus and the Gods of the nile
gathered up a big storm
to blow a hurricane
to scatter us away
in a flood of wind and rain
the sea of tidal waves
wash us all away
and if we don't behave
they'll cut us down again
and we'll be hopping around on one foot
and looking through one eye

The woman finally left, but didn't close the door behind her. I walked over, shut the door and walked back. I wondered to myself when our bedroom had become so small. She shuffled over to the corner of the bed and looked at me through the one eye that could see through her hair.

The last time I saw you
We'd just split in two
You was looking at me
and I was looking at you
You had a way so familiar
I could not recognize
coz you had blood on your face
and I had blood in my eyes
but I could swear by your expression
that the pain
down in your soul
was the same as the one down in mine

I sat down next to her and talked to her in a softer tone. I still couldn't hear what I was saying, but she seemed to be feeding off of it. For the first time in what must have been a long time, we really talked. I think I asked her to look at me and I raised her chin with my fingers. Then we kissed.

That's the pain that cuts straight line
down to the heart
We call it love
So we wrapped our arms around each other
tried to shove ourselves back together
It was making love
Making love

As she laid against me comfortably, but not happily, I was unable to sleep. The paper was sitting on the dresser across the way. As long as it was there, I sleep was beyond my reach.

I looked at her one last time as she slept. I could see the uncertainty in her dreaming face. We both knew that when we woke up this morning, we'd be facing the same problems that we had when we woke up yesterday morning. Or not. I grabbed my bag and started throwing things inside of it. We'd sold most of everything along the way, so there was very little to pack. She snuggled against the blanket as she slept calmly, but not happily.

I, put my key on the kitchen table, and left.

It was a cold dark evening such a long time ago
when by the mighty hand of Jove...
It was a sad story
how we became
lonely two legged creatures

It's the story of the Origin of Love

Song: Origin of Love
Artist: Hedwig and the Angry Inch
Album: Hedwig and the Angry Inch Soundtrack

Well I got me an everyman suit and a firm handshake
I'm looking for a line of work and some money to make
I just hope I don't have to take a job in Cleveland
It's just a little too far from my current state

Elciem was sipping coffee, looking out onto the cars creeping by on the busy street adjacent to the coffee shop where we decided to meet up. I didn?t like coffee, but the weather was cool and windy enough that I?d decided to partake in some hot chocolate.

?I don?t understand it,? she said, ?Devin doesn?t have a job, Bin doesn?t either. All they do is sit around the apartment all day and play those video games and then go out and get drunk all night. Even when they do get jobs, all they do is bartend. I was sure they were going to make a lot more of themselves.?

?Well, they did both drop out of college-? I interjected.

?That?s not what I mean. They should at least be working towards something respectable. They?re all just bums. Even Ed, who has a degree and a job just works tech support for $8 an hour.?

?He has a degree in English. But besides, you have to start somewhere, don?t you?? I asked.

?So says Mr. Unemployed.?

?I?m a college student!?

?No excuse. You know you could handle a job. You just aren?t looking for one.?

?I am, actually.?

?Not hard enough. You?re just like the rest. Bums! The whole lot of you!"

Now it helps in an interview to be a little insistent
that you never pumped gas you were a customer fuel assistant
mowing lawns was a stint in agricultural landscape
and your paper route was a journalistic means of escape

Some months later, we were engaged in a romantic entanglement too complicated to really explain. I?d moved out of the dorms to an apartment, but was still unable to find work. She was still plugging away at the staffing agency?s headquarters. She?d left Devin and Bin and their sloth behind. That I was unemployed was not exactly of a whole lot of comfort to her.

One night were eating at an Italian restaurant. I was a little underdressed for the occasion because I?d been scrambling around all day doing chores. She was wearing her clothes from work, including a sweater and a skirt. Her nails had a flawless French manicure. I?d forgotten to shave.

I was telling her all about my day. Unlike most days where I was trying to find anything I could to keep busy, I?d had a really productive day. I?d gotten some writing done, taken care of a number of chores, had a long talk with my roommate, and made some trades on my fantasy baseball team. When I was excitedly telling her about my day, she started squinting a bit. She raised her hand to stop me, before lowering it again to straighten out her skirt. I raised an eyebrow as she cleared her throat.

?So, find a job today?? she asked, ostensibly joking but with a piercing seriousness. I?d sent out a couple resumes the day before, but that day I?d done nothing.

?I?m sorry. Continue,? she said with an air of superiority and an intentionally obvious disinterest in anything else I had to say.

Things ended not long after that. Ironically enough, just after I?d found a job.

Resume, resume, resume, resume
There's no job for which I seem fit
so I'll have to bend the truth a little bit
It's hard to sum up your life in just one page

Things had been over for over a year when we met up again at a twenty-four hour diner down the street. We had just met to touch base.

Her manicured nails had given way to short, stubby nails. She wore a casual jacket and blue jeans while I hadn?t changed out of my work attire.

She was talking about her efforts to please everyone, who seemed to believe that she had nothing but time to devote to them because she?d been laid off a couple months earlier. She was working on a web site for her father, trying to mend fences with her boyfriend, and helping the Houston Anime Club to-

I interrupted. ?So, find a job today?? I asked and grinned.

Now the older generation has gotten the wrong impression
cause I never went to war of had to live through a depression
they said "Son give thanks for the places that you get to"
In the meantime I'm still looking for something tough to live through

I?ve been unemployed for roughly a week now. The company I worked for did all of their human resources through the company that she worked for, so all of my termination papers were blazon with her company?s name across the top. She told me that she?d been let go just when she thought the worst was behind her, at work. Just after she no longer feared it. As I signed the papers, I couldn?t have put it better myself.

She called me up as soon as she?d heard. She asked how I was doing. ?Pretty good? for a bum,? I answered.

"I know what you mean," she replied.

Resume, resume, resume, resume
There's no job for which I seem fit
so I'll have to bend the truth a little bit
It's hard to sum up your life in just one page

Lyrics:
Song: Resume
Artist: Phil Pritchett
Album: Suburban Legends

I started the tour out in Denver Colorado
I made the first one but I did not make the second show
Cause I met a girl there that brought about quite a big change
Then I OD'd in Denver and I just can't remember her name

On Thursday night, roots country artist Jason Boland had done me the courtesy of playing "OD'd in Denver," a Hank Williams Jr. song that I'd only before heard Boland sing on a bootleg. I had it stuck in my head the entire drive up to the convention, even while other music was playing in my CD player.

Boland had always brought me luck, it seemed. A little over a year ago, the day after going to a show I met someone at a wedding and we dated. Things didn't work out, but it was the first time I had gone out with anyone after a serious heartbreak, so it was a success nonetheless. I had an interesting incident during a Boland show early last year and it was a show in December right before I met Camryn.

Friday was uneventful for the most part, save for a blast from the past meeting someone that I hadn't seen in years and almost hanging out with friends I haven't seen in over a year. I did notice all the couples, which was interesting because conventions are full of unique people and it's always nice to see unique people with atypical interests hooking up. I, of course, was only there with my guy friends, single as single can be.

I guess you could say that my love life was not up to par
Too many nights alone had left a permanent scar

I first saw Shawn outside while I was catching a breath of fresh air. I didn't think that much about her, really. Not until I saw her at the hotel bar. That meant that she was over twenty-one. At conventions, age can be a very deceptive thing.

I'm generally not good at picking up people in bars, and considering how often I go to them for musical acts, it's something I ought to get better at. So I decided that there was nothing to lose there (it was doubtful that she was from Houston since the convention was in Austin). I went up to the bar, propped myself right beside her, and said "Hello."

We talked about the shuttle accident that had happened in the morning. I talked about my relatives at NASA and she about her present stint in the Navy reserves. We talked about us and what we were like when we were younger, what we're like now. I talked about my career and she talked about college. I told her about No-Lyfe Productions and gave her my business card. We got to know each other at the bar for about two hours before we migrated to the balcony.

Out there, the conversation started drifting more towards relationships, where we established that we were both single. We'd both had a little to drink, so the conversation had flowed quite smoothly. Our inhibitions were gone. I kept thinking that if it wasn't for the distance between Austin, where she lived, and Houston, where I do, it could really turn in to something.

The night wore on and we never had a lack of things to talk about, from goofy inebriated small-talk to our station in life and what we're looking for in life and relationships.

I made a special point to look at the back of her admissions tag. She had my business card, I figured, so it was only fair that I know her full name, which is on the back of all the tags. "Shawn Fitch?" I thought to myself, remembering a girl I knew a long time ago with the last name. But that wasn't her name, that was just an assumption on my part because I saw the F and the top part of the T. I removed my thumb and corrected myself.

To the bar, to the balcony, the bar, the balcony, our talking continued. We started making more and more physical contact. I'd say something and place my hand on her shoulder. In the bar She'd chastise me for something and tap my hand, then leave it placed on top of mine. Outside, I put my arms around her and she put her hand on my leg.

Then there was a moment. That moment where the back of my head sends a message through my various synapses with the singular message: "Kiss her."

But I couldn't. My best friend was sitting across the way, talking to us. So a message followed shortly after with the message "Wait, not yet!"

My best friend went back inside, the couple other people left, and we were
alone. It didn't take long.

Once we'd broken that threshold, the evening began to speed up. We didn't really talk about it at first. In fact, prior to that we'd never even mentioned the prospect of an 'us' and, to be honest, I wasn't quite sure if I wanted one.

Shortly after, we were joined by a crowd of people enjoying the fresh air. A young man with a goatee and sunglasses in the dark began playing his guitar for his friends. As Shawn and I slow-danced to "Hotel California," I decided that I wanted this to be for real. I just had no idea how to tell her that.

She swore she loved me and I told her that I'd do the same
Then I OD'd in Denver and I just can't remember her name

After another trip to the bar and back out to the balcony, I was looking out at the state capital absorbing it all with her under my arm. My mind was awash in alcohol, but I was trying to wade through it when she asked, "So what happens when you go back to Houston?"

I told her that I wasn't good at or comfortable with flings. She backed off and asked what I meant by that. Our inebriation was immediately put on hold while we discussed it. Three hours. Not a deal-killer, really. We both really wanted to try. "What can I do not to mess this up?" she asked.

"We're doing fantastic so far," I answered.

Later she asked, "So if I ask you to call me, then you will?"

"Sure."

We went back inside for another drink. She couldn't recall what the R. in my name stood for and got out the business card I got her. She accidentally dropped it. I pulled out another card and put it on the bar in front of her. She said it was all right and she'd get the old on off the floor.

After finishing our drinks we decided to go out and grab a bite to eat. When I cranked the CD player on, she immediately started singing along with a confused look on her face. "Is this. you listen to Cross Canadian Ragweed?!"

Our excellent start had just gotten better.

We talked about Cross Canadian Ragweed, Jason Boland, and other Oklahoma musicians as we drove to Katz's on 6th Street. We talked more about ourselves at the restaurant, our families, our philosophies.

Generally, that was the point in talking to someone where I become uncomfortable. When a relationship is imminent, I start getting scared. I didn't let myself that night, even as I become more sober as the night wore on.

We kissed goodbye and said we'd see each other the next day.

I brought it on myself I guess that I shouldn't complain
Doc says son you can't do anymore of that cocaine

I had a knot in my stomach when I woke up. The hangover was in the head. The
knot in my stomach was something else entirely. The feeling that I had not covered all of my bases. The knowledge that I did not have her phone number. The knowledge that I'd told her I'd call her. The memory of seeing the card still sitting by the barstool when I left the hotel the night before. The belief that if I was hung over, she was probably in Hell (she'd drank more than I had). The prediction that she would not make it before 3pm when the con closes.

I stuck in the main area until 3:30 or so when I finally gave up and left. I thought about trying to find out her number, but any time I thought of her name, all I could think of was Shawn Fitch. But her name isn't Fitch, and I can't remember for the life of me what it is.

She treated me nice and I'd like to find her again
But I OD'd in Denver and I just can't remember her name
I kinda overdid it in Denver and I just can't remember her name

[Italicized lyrics by Hank Williams Jr., "OD'd in Denver"]