RAW: Hello?
Other End: Hello, I have a question about my billing.
RAW: Okay, just give me one moment to bring that up.
OE: No problem.
RAW: [pause] I'm sorry, your account?
OE: Yes, this is Earthstar Electronics. We're having some trouble with our online documentation.
RAW: I'm sorry, you've reached the IAC programing department.
OE: Oh, well I asked them for technical support and they transferred me here.
RAW: I see. Just one moment while I transfer your call and thank you again for calling Omnistar... errr... Cooper & Price Digital Solutions.

Entertainment Consultant: Thank you for calling OmniStar, this is Rayford speaking. May I have your phone number with the area code first, please?
Customer: 984-555-1963
ER: And could I have the name on that account?
Cust: John Martin
ER: Thank you, sir. This account is protected by a password. Could you give that to me please?
Cust: Tweety Bird
EC: Wonderful, and what may I do for you today?
Cust: Watching the Zoom channel and Science and Technogy!
EC: You're trying to watch Zoom and S&T? Is it not coming in, sir?
Cust: No, I'm watching it right now! Zoom! Zooooooom!!
EC: So are you having trouble with S&T?
Cust: No, now I'm watching Science & Technogy! They're doing a live autopsy. Cut! Cuuuuuuuuuuutttt!!!!
EC: Alright, sir, so what can I do for you again!
Cust: I watching Zoom channel and Science Technogy!
EC: And they're coming in fine?
Cust: Zoom! Zooooooooom!!! Car race on right now!
EC: That's great, sir.
Cust: I so proud of OmniStar for getting the S&T! You just added it! I so proud to be your customer. Cut! Cuuuuuuutt!!! Been waiting long time for this! Cuuuuuut!!
EC: Well, I'm happy that we're doing a good job of serving you, sir.
Cust: So proud to be with OmniStar! Does DishTel have these channels?
EC: Well, sir, I don't really kn-
Cust: Nooooooooooo! They don't! Only OmniStar! So happy to be OmniStar customer!
EC: So you're calling to thank us, sir?
Cust: Yes! Thank yoooou! Zooooooooom!!!
EC: We're happy to be there for you, sir.
Cust: Okay, I go watch car racing now. Bye!!!
EC: Have a great day, sir.

My last day at OmniStar, I saw one of the coworkers that I really took a liking to and whose number I wanted for coffee or a drink some time. Unfortunately, I didn't get the number because it seemed like he was in a hurry to get to his station (and OmniStar is pretty anal about tardiness). I've been keeping an eye out for him ever since. The only time I saw him he was in his suburban driving out of a gas station. I thought it unwise to jump in front of a moving suburban.

Earlier in the week I was pretty agitated with myself when I discovered that my credit card was not where it should be. It forced me to borrow $10 from a coworker and lead me down the wayward path dietarily speaking. I was relieved when I figured out what had happened to it. The last place I'd used it was Applebee's. I am notorious for leaving credit cards at restaurants. So while I was relieved, I still had the inconvenience of having to drive down there to get it.

So guess who was walking out of Applebee's when I was walking in?

I haven't been this happy to get the phone number of a guy... well... ever.

Entertainment Consultant: Thank you for calling OmniStar, this is Rayford. Could I have your home phone number with the area code first, please?
Customer: 734-555-7475
EC: And the name on that account?
Cust: Francisco Navarro.
EC: And how may I help you today?
Cust: Yes, sir, I was looking at a flier in the mail today. It said that OmniStar offers programing in Spanish. How many channels does that include?
EC: Well it depends on the package you choose, sir. There is a Spanish equivalent to each of our English packages. The Carne y Papas Plan, which is our eqivalent to your current Meat & Taters Plan includes 45 channels in Spanish, including several channels that are not available on the English equivalent.
Cust: Does it include Cartoon Highway? My kids love that channel.
EC: Well yes and no, sir. The Spanish Meat & Taters plan includes all of the channels as the English version, but not all of them are available in Spanish. I'm afraid that includes Cartoon Highway. However, sir, it will be available to you in English format.
Cust: So what channels on the English plan will I not get in any language under the Spanish plan?
EC: You will get all of the channels in one language or the other, sir. The only difference is that the Spanish plan includes 15 channels that are only available in Spanish.
Cust: How much more does this plan cost?
EC: It's actually $5 cheaper.
Cust: And I get more channels?
EC: Yes, sir.
Cust: Hot damn! I told my kids that learning Spanish would help them in life! Sign me up...

...

Entertainment Consultant: Thank you for calling OmniStar, can I have your home phone number with the area code first?
Customer: 422-555-2742
EC: And the name on that account?
Cust: John Simmons.
EC: And how may I help you today?
Customer: Yes, I'm trying to cut down on some expenses and I was wondering if there was a plan cheaper than the one we have now.
EC: I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but you have the Meat & Taters Plan, which is the cheapest we offer.
Cust: So there's no way I can cut down on my bill?
EC: Habla usted Espanol?
Cust: Excuse me?
EC: No, sir, I'm afraid there isn't...

Entertainment Consultant: Thank you for calling OmniStar, this is Rayford speaking. May I have your home phone number with the area code first, please?
Customer: 818-555-4963
EC: And the name on the account?
Cust: Achmed Kezef
EC: And how may I help you today?
Cust: My bill is too high! Why is my bill so high? I want my bill to be lower!
EC: Hold on one moment while I look into your account. Alright, sir, according to your records you are on the Caviar Plan. That plan includes every movie ever made shown on alternate days as well as every channel in the history of mankind. The Caviar Plan costs a $99.99 a month with an additional $29.95 for the additional five recievers in your household. That makes for a total of $129.94 a month.
Cust: I do not want to pay $130 a month! I want to pay less than $130 a month! How can I bring the bill down?
EC: Well sir, you could go down to our next package, the Escargot Plan and we can add the movie packages that you want to that. How does that sound?
Cust: Do not touch my movies! I want my movies!
EC: Alright, sir, if you were to keep the movie channels and go down to the Meat & Taters Plan, you could save as much as $25 a month.
Cust: Okay, what does the Meat & Potatoes Plan have?
EC: It has most of the channels you're recieving now.
Cust: Does it have the Fuzzy Wuzzy Channel?
EC: I'm afraid not, sir. That's only available with our Escargot Plan.
Cust: What about the Toony Loony Channel?
EC: I'm afraid not, sir. It does have the similar Toon Highway channel, though.
Cust: Could you tell me all of the channels that it does not have?
EC: [lists off thirty channels out of 250]
Cust: Why would you take all of those away from me?! Why does OmniStar hate me to want to take away my cartoons and furry animals! I do not want to be with OmniStar if they take those things away from me! Why do you hate me so?!?!?!?!
EC: Well, sir, it sounds like the channels you most want are only available with your current package. If you want to lower your bill you would need to lose some of the movie channels...
Cust: And now you want to take my movies! You are supposed to give me channels, not take them away! Why do I pay people who want to take my channels away!
EC: Well, sir, if you stay on your current plan we won't take any channels away.
Cust: You mean I get to keep the Fuzzy Wuzzy Channel?
EC: Yes, sir.
Cust: And the Toony Loony Channel?
EC: Absolutely sir.
Cust: Thank you so much for all of your great programing!
EC: Any time, sir.
Cust: What was your name, sir?
EC: Rayford.
Cust: Next time I call, I will ask for you. You give me such wonderful channels.
EC: I look forward to it, sir. Have a great day.
Cust: You too!

Entertainment Consultant: Thank you for calling OmniStar, may I have your home phone number with the area code first?
Customer: 242-555-7832
EC: And the name on the account?
Cust: Debra Gowen
EC: And what may I do for you today?
Cust: I sent in a check. Can you give me service back now?
EC: I'm afraid that it takes three to five days for us to get a check. Your account is still $158.23 past due and as long as it is past due, there is nothing I can do about your service.
Cust: Mother f*er! [click]
EC: Yes, man, I very much appreciate the call. This will help my call times greatly. Have a wonderful day.

Entertianment Consultant: Thank you for calling OmniStar, this is Rayford, may I get your home phone number with the area code first?
Customer: Yes, sir. 888-555-4219
EC: And the name on the account?
Cust: James Ebbit
EC: And how may I help you today, sir?
Cust: There were some pay-per-views ordered on my account that I would like removed. I never order PPVs and why would I order them when my wife reads over our statements?
EC: One moment, sir. Could you give me the day and time that the PPV was billed for?
Cust: Yes, sir. March 23, 2004. Look, I'm in a lot of trouble with my wife, here. Can you please help me out?
EC: Okay, sir. I am authorized to refund the money of a PPV. Please note that this is a one-time credit and if you dispute PPVs in the future, the EC will not be able to help you. Would you like to go over our locks and safeguards programs?
Cust: No, that's alright. Hey, can you put some sort of note on my account so that the next bill will say that I didn't watch these PPVs? It would really, really, really, really help me out a lot here. I need her to know that you guys believe me.
EC: I'm afraid that I can't put anything that might appear on your bill. I can put a comment on your account, though, so your wife can call in and another EC can read it to her that we believe you.
Cust: Great! Bye!
EC: Have a great day, sir.

...

Entertainment Consultant: Thank you for calling OmniStar, Rayford speaking. May I get your home phone number with your area code first?
Customer: 914-555-6334
EC: And could I have the name on that account?
Cust: Byron T. Hollis, Jr.
EC: Great, and what may I do for you today?
Cust: Yes sir, there is a pay-per-view that I did not order that's done shone up on my bill!
EC: Alright, sir, one moment while I bring up your records. Okay, sir, there are about ten PPVs over the month covered by your last bill. Could you give me the day that you ordered the PPV?
Cust: Yes sir, May 3rd.
EC: Okay, sir, I see "Hot Black Mommas" on channel 184 and "Debbie Does Utah" on channel 155. Which of these are you contesting?
Cust: That one about black people. I didn't order no porn starring black people!
EC: Alright, sir. We have locks and safeguards to prevent the unauthorized ordering of adult pay-per-views. Would you like me to go over those with you?
Cust: No. I want that taken off my damn bill!
EC: Well, sir, unfortunately you were given a credit for a PPV ordered in January and we only refund PPVs once. I am not authorized to give you your money back.
Cust: Well, alright then. But could you at least take it off or make it look like I watched something else?
EC: I'm afraid not, sir. Even if I were able to refund your money, the feature would still appear in your record, there would just be a separate line taking the charges off.
Cust: Well I don't want anyone thinkin' I watch porn with black people in it!
EC: I'm sorry, sir. The best I can do for you is to make a note on your account.
Cust: Okay then, can I tell you the exact words for you to put on the comment?
EC: Absolutely.
Cust: I want it to say "I didn't watch no porn with black people in it."
EC: Okay, sir, I've added the comment.
Cust: Thank you. Have a blessed day.
EC: You too, sir.

A year or two ago, I had an odd charge appear on my credit card bill. It was only a couple of bucks so I really didn't care except that I wanted to make sure that I wasn't getting charged a monthly fee for something that I didn't want. Hadn't happened with this company before, but better safe than sorry. What followed was the most excruciating half-hour I'd spent on the phone in a long while. I wanted to ask a question, I wanted to get the answer, and I wanted to get on with my day. Instead, I spent 30 minutes listening to one ad after another for a service that I didn't want because of a mistake on my credit card bill. By the time it was done, I wanted to send them an invoice for the time they took from me.

It's always good to learn something about yourself. What I learned that day is that I have little patience for my time being wasted on the phone with sales pitches that I don't want when, unlike with a telephone solicitor, I can't just hang up. I'm a captive audience. Though I didn't work for OmniStar TV for very long, I learned something about myself. I learned what I'm not willing to do for money.

I had always assumed that I was easy-going and capitalistic enough to do just about anything legal. I figured that I wouldn't have a problem working for Big Bad Tobacco, endorsing sexual deviance, or whatever made me a quick and honest buck. It wasn't that I was immoral, I just wasn't, you know, up tight. I am not generally inclined to tell people how to live their lives. I have my ideas of what a proper life consists of, but as long as they're only harming themselves, no harm no foul, right? Well, not so much.

One of the things I take most seriously is financial responsibility. Anna and I almost broke up over a $3,000 debt that she had foolishly accumulated. Another person's $30,000 debt was almost a deal-breaker for me. I am big on money management and people spending their money wisely. OmniStar is a good company with a great product. Though sales was not my primary job, I had no problem selling the product. What I did have a problem with, however, was selling the product to people who couldn't afford it and didn't want. It wasn't sales that got me, it was retention.

Some guy calls in and says that he wants to downgrade from the Caviar Plan to the more sensible Filet Mignon Plan. I can tell that the guy is not particularly educated and I can hear machines running in the background. One guy, I kid you not, was calling while on break working at a fast food joint. He's obviously a guy that doesn't need the Caviar Plan. The only people that need 45 movie channels are those with families (he only had one reciever activated) and/or those that can for whatever reason clearly afford it (he was $200 in the hole and hadn't been current since Clinton was in office). So he's calling in to cancel a plan that he doesn't need. He didn't end up downgrading.

Or I'll take another case of a guy that lost his job and needs to downgrade to the basic Meat & Taters Plan. He might want to cancel altogether, but for now he wants to try to basic channels. He loves movies, but he just can't afford it. It was my job to convincingly read from a script that told him (just like the fast food guy) that he did need this programing package that he could not afford. In my zealousness, I even pointed out that he'd have more time to watch movies since he doesn't have a job. I said it in a half-joking and friendly manner, but he realized I had a point.

Like the fast food guy, I convinced him to hold on to the package that he didn't need for a price he couldn't afford. There's a reason that companies upsell: it works. Like when I called the credit card company some time ago, they didn't call to hear a sales pitch but because they needed to hear me out before I could make the requested changes to the account.

Ethically speaking, I can't make decisions for other people. Nor am I particularly responsible for the decisions that people make. If I hadn't tried to upsell him, someone else would have. The unemployed guy said, "Thanks, Buddy" when we got off the phone. He had nothing to thank me for and I was not his buddy.

After a couple of experiences like that, I became incapable of reselling. I couldn't do it. I deviated from the almighty script. Once you start doing that, you put yourself in a position to be fired. I was let go from my last two employers and I couldn't afford to wait it out and be let go again.

So, just when I was starting to get really good at the job, I quit.

I'd be lying if I said there weren't other reasons. My employment there was temporary from the outset. I even chose the schedule so that I could look for a better job. Unfortunately, the schedule didn't leave me with enough time to do that and I was missing potential leads. Lastly, I would have had to leave anyway because I had a trip planned during a blackout week (no absenses allowed).

But mostly it was reselling an unnecessary (if nice) product to people that called with the intention of financially doing the right thing.

Tonight Eel and I went to the graduation ceremony for outgoing residents. Unfortunately we weren't able to sit by anyone that I met from the retreat. We did get to sit by a doc that Eel had been working with, but she was worried that I would be bored out of my gourd.

Turns out that the woman sitting to my left side was none other than my new state representative. Apparently despite Idaho being "the most Republican state in the nation" according to her, Gate City is one of the only two staunchly Democratic cities in the state (Moscow, the state's other college town, is the other).

I had to bite my tongue on matters of policy to remain polite. I asked her various tidbits of how Idaho state government works. It's unsurprisingly a 1-party state with over 80% of the legislators being Republican (Idaho went more for Bush than Texas did). She was pretty dumbfounded that Bush could actually be popular in Texas and, unsurprisingly, she's a big fan of Molly Ivins.

Despite our differences (which I didn't air, she probably thinks I'm a Democrat) it was a remarkably pleasant conversation. I found out some useful things for my job hunt, including that the place to look for work is... Synchronus/OmniStar.

Oh well, she tried!

When I was in the job hunt, there remained the spectre of a job possibility that haunted me. I knew that there was a job waiting for me if I would just take it. I feared, however, that it would ultimately be another OmniStar, where I wouldn't be able to stay for any prolonged period of time for ethical reasons.

Debt collections.

I have nothing against debt collection per se. Someone has to do it. My neighbor at the Bickford Barrios apartment in Houston was particularly good at it. I've always been a debt hawk and a believer that unless it keeps you out of the rain or comes with four wheels and an engine, you never spend money you don't have. So I'm sympathetic that the companies want their money back (and then some).

But I don't like debt collecting tactics. I know this not because I've declined to give people money for services and/or goods rendered, but because I haven't and it doesn't seem to make any difference.

On my birthday a couple of years back, I got an eviction notice. I had three days to leave the premises because I hadn't paid my bill. Never having recieved an eviction notice, I thought that it was a pretty big deal. Apparently, they hand them out like candy. I got three while I was at that apartment. The first because they changed their accounting system without my knowledge and my checks were no longer valid because I was not the "primary renter" (Danforth was). The second was after we put it on automatic payment, but they forgot to do it. The third was when, the next month, they forgot to do it again. Each time I was effectively kicked out until I cleared up their screw-up. It wasn't about actually getting kicked out; it was about scaring the living heck out of me whether I'd done anything wrong or not.

Debt collection, I've learned, works in much the same way.

Right before I left OmniStar, a very dear jacket was stolen. A couple of days later I realized that the jacket had my checkbook in it. Since I needed to move my account up here, it was easy enough to switch banks and cancel the account.

A couple of weeks later, a check was written on my checkbook for $60 worth of pizza. The pizza chain turned it over to the credit bureau, who kindly contacted me about it. Well, they actually contacted my parents because that's the address on the account. I can hardly fault them for that because they didn't know that I had cancelled the account and that it was forged. They said I had a month to reply and I did, explaining the situation.

With one hand, they wrote me back telling me that I needed to go to the police station and file an affadavit of forgery. Simple enough. But with the other hand, they wrote me another letter telling me that I was a deadbeat whose credit record was going to be shot all to hell if I didn't pay them pronto.

Mom recieved the letter and, scared to death, called them about it. They told her that yes, they'd recieved my letter. They could tell it was a forgery (the forger's sig doesn't even remotely resemble my own). But the hand sending the nasty letters doesn't care what the hand that is actually taking care of the problem. The entity itself has apparently made a decision that it's easy just to send everyone scary lessons and letting the chips fall where they may rather than actually taking into account the circumstances that I'm sure they deal with on a regular basis.

I understand that there are people that they need to extract money from.

I just wish that they'd understand that I'm not one of them.

Scratch that cause they do understand. I just wish they'd care.

Eel is on an OB rotation, which is one of the most demanding rotations a medical resident can have (30 hours on, 18 off, 30 hours on, 18 off...). As such, she called to ask that I pay her phone bill so that she wouldn't be assessed any late fees. I took one of her phone bills from the mail slot and called the telco's 1-800 number to make the payment. I wasn't positive that I'd be able to make the payment since I wasn't the account holder, a family member, or a spouse. I hoped that there was something on the bill that I could recite in order to demonstrate that I was making the payment with the consent of the account holder. The account number was the phone number with three numbers and a letter after it, but the customer service rep never asked for it. I did tell him the exact amount owed before he told me, which may have helped demonstrate that I was at least familiar with the account. But other than that, I could have made a payment without the account holder's knowledge.

It was official policy at OmniStar not to allow anyone whose name wasn't on the account to make changes, payments, or even inquiries. That was the policy, but it was routinely ignored in the name of convenience. If someone were to say that they were the account holder's spouse or child (over 18, if we felt the need to ask) we'd go ahead and make changes. I occasionally dealt with problems that occured due to this, but none of the complaintants even thought to suggest that we shouldn't have made the change based on a non-account holding family member's request. The only surefire protection that an account holder has is setting up a password, but we don't tell the customers of that option unless they ask because it leads them to the assumption that we are not worthy of their trust.

It's a thin line between convenience and privacy. One can easily pretend to be authorized by an account holder even if their motivations are not benign. In one case at OmniStar, an estranged husband called in to order $200 worth of Pay-Per-Views to spite their wife. But nine times out of ten, the spouse is simply at work or otherwise unable to make the call themselves. In the name of expedience we went ahead and did whatever they asked. Someone can call in and find out a lot about a person simply by asking to "go over a bill" and it's a good way for a stalker to get intimate details about their prey.

When calling the telco, I didn't ask for any information and the only thing I did was make a payment, which few would do against the wishes of an account holder. But I can easily imagine a scenario in which someone would pay the bill for someone with whom there was assymetrical romantic interest so that the person would "owe" them. While legally they would have no standing in court, that wouldn't be the point. Most people like to consider themselves good people and not be indebted to others and would want to make good on any incurred debts. This is particularly true when it's not some faceless credit card company but someone that they once loved, may still love, or acknowledge loves them even if it's not reciprocated. Women in particular are more likely to fall into this line of thinking and a lot of men know this and take advantage of it.

I know first-hand of at least one estranged husband who was trying to win back the graces of his wife by making payments for her. She was strapped for cash and it was appreciated (though not asked for), but it came at a high emotional cost. Ultimately, for good or for ill (I believe the former) it worked and they are still married. This isn't the only case that this happened. ACME had to set up a policy not to allow people to start paying for others' accounts when one young lady had an account paid for her and any time she spent over the allowed 60-minutes per day he would hold it over her head. It wasn't an isolated incident as I paid a few months for Ora's account and while I didn't make an issue of it (in fact, the first couple months it was annonymous), I did feel like I was owed something in return. Even benevolent giving of that sort can inadvertantly lead to trouble.

But then again, 19 times out of 20, such payments are going to be benign. Is the 1-in-20 chance that it isn't worth putting everyone else's convenience at a disadvantage?

It's a good question.

Entertainment Consultant: Thank you for calling OmniStar, this is Rayford, can I get your home phone number with the area code first, please?
Customer: 654-555-5178
EC: And the name on that account?
Customer: Kelvin Schmidt.
EC: Okay, sir, this account is protected by a password, could you give that to me?
Cust: Okay, I'd like to change from the Caviar Plan down to the Filet Mignon Plan, but I'd like to keep the Premiere Ticket and Sports Mania packs...
EC: Okay, sir, but before I can change your account, this account is protected by a password.
Cust: What does that mean?
EC: It means that you need to give me the password before I can make changes on your account.
Cust: Oh, okay. On second thought, could I also keep the Ritalin Action Movie Package as well? How much would that make my monthly bill?
EC: Sir, I can't divulge any information about your account until you give me the password.
Cust: Okay then, could you at least tell me how much it would be if I left off the Ritalin?
EC: Not until you tell me the password, sir.
Cust: Password?
EC: Yes, sir, this account is protected by a password. I can't give you any information about your account or change it until you tell me the password.
Cust: So how does that work?
EC: You tell me the password, I tell you what you want to know and make the changes you want made.
Cust: So all I have to do is tell you the password?
EC: Yes sir.
Cust: That's easy enough. I also would like to know how much the Honkers Channel would add if I were to combine it with the Ritalin and Premiere packages. Would I get a discount on that?
EC: Sir, I cannot discuss your account with you until you give me the password.
Cust: That's fine. You know, my wife would probably not like me getting the Honkers Channel so you can scratch that off.
EC: I have nothing to scratch it off of, sir, as I cannot touch your account or even discuss it with you until you give me the password.
Cust: Okay.
EC: So what is the password, sir?
Cust: Oh, okay.
EC: ...
EC: ...
EC: So could you give me the password?
Cust: Oh, sure. It's GreenGoblin, both G's in caps and no space in between.
EC: Alright, sir, now let's take a look at your account.
Cust: Great. Have a nice day. [click]
EC: Sir?

The Forbes Index
Everybody loves lists, no matter how pointless. There's apparently an index for cost-of-living for single folks using the really important statistics: How much does a Heineken cost? Pizza Hut?

Tow Yard Complaint (MP3) [via Eel]
When I worked for OmniStar, I never had to field any calls like this! The woman claims to have found a large piece of excrement in the back of her car.

Badass Australian Cows [via Lex]
There are tons of lessons in this story, ranging from how not to try to trip a cow to why you shouldn't get drunk enough with Danes to want to try.

Why I hate Microsoft: A personal, lengthy, but highly articulate outburst [via Pierce]
Lengthy is right. I think the 9-11 Commission Report is shorter by a hundred pages or two. I haven't plowed my way through all of it yet, but the author makes a pretty good case against Microsoft.

As True Today As It Was Back Then
Pete has some great tips on how to keep young suitors away from your daughter. I'll have to save this and use it if I should need it some day.

I've been working for Cooper & Price for almost three weeks now. I stayed at OmniStar for six and lasted eight at Gattaca. This is, however, an entirely different experience. I enter employment with both of the others with the intention of leaving. Mentally, to me, that's no better than being unemployed (my pocketbook has a different attitude on the matter, however). So mentally speaking, I am for the first time in over a year, employed.

Generally, we work to make money. Without the need for money, few people would go through the daily grind. I'm not sure what I would do. I can say this, though: the joy of working has little to do with money and less to do with what I'm actually doing. I'm not saving the world nor making enough money to buy even a chunk of it. That's irrelevent. What's relevent is that I had a job. Up until now, I'm not sure I realized how much that meant to me.

The year 2004 has been a rough one in a number of respects. The move to Idaho has been tough for a number of reasons. The biggest problem, without a doubt, was the employment one. Because I saved so much at UFC and took the temporary jobs, I never ran the risk of going broke. Again, not about the money. Money is exchanged for goods and services, but it's given me something a lot more valuable than that: stability.

I don't do well with uncertainty. While life is never certain, I try to keep the variables to a minimum. Since arriving here, the variables have been numerous. But more than the variables, I think, was the burning fuse. While I was never in danger of going broke, I knew that unless something changed I would eventually get there.

The loss of that feeling has by far been the best thing about my job.

I was taken to task on here for not calling my father while I was unemployed (imagine, for a moment, the egg on my face when I found out that he reads the blog!). Justifiably so, but in a way that's always how I've worked. Stability is two points for me, and one point for my perspective on the world. Without having a job, it felt that in a way I couldn't face my parents. Nothing they said or did made me feel that way. In some ways, I had trouble facing up to Eel who has been outstandingly supportive throughout this all. It more or less defines my relationship with God. "I'll get back with You once I have my life in order and feel that I can face You again."

It's beyond silly. Support during the downtimes is what parents, significant others, and Loving Gods are for. Not to make your life all better, but to give you aid and assurance to help guide you along.

I'm leaving for Florida tomorrow morning and I'm going to see my family. C&P gave me the time off to do to that, but more than that, they gave me the ability to go to Florida with my head held high.

I think it was always taken for granted that I would stay in Houston. Certainly until I lost my job at UFC, I believed it to be the case. Mom figured the same when she started making plans around me taking over their house when they move after Dad's retirement. While I went to college in Houston, David went off to Austin. While I looked for employment in Houston when I graduated, David took a job in Virginia. David was the wayward son and I was on the homefront, visiting every weekend and taking advantage of the laundry facilities.

Then I lost my job at UFC and I met Eel and the next thing I knew, I was headed for this place called Idaho while David took a job with a NASA contractor in Clear Lake. He was coming home and I was leaving it.

Dad and I used to have breakfast together every Saturday morning. I haven't responded to his last three emails.

I haven't spoken to him in over a month. I've spoken to Mom on only a couple of occasions. It's been kind of easy these past couple of weeks because he hasn't called. There is a family member in Fort Worth that was in a terrible auto accident and another that's facing some serious and incurable medical troubles.

But I got a message from Dad earlier today. He was just calling to find out how things were going. It's been a month, I don't know where to begin and yet I don't have much of anything useful to say.

I never explained to him why I left OmniStar over a month ago. It would be a considerably easier conversation if I could say "Yeah, but I got a job at _______!" but unfortunately I can't because I haven't. I don't even know what I've been doing day in and day out that I can really talk about. After discussing the matter with Eel I've decided that I'm not going to fill them in on what's going on in my apartment.

I still haven't gotten car insurance up here (I'm covered under the Texas policy), but I can't do that until I get the title switched over and last time I tried to do that I was missing some documentation. I need to talk to him about that, but picking up the phone to talk about that means that I should talk about other things in order to avoid recuding our father-son relationship to a business-like one.

Somehow the combination of my inertia, job-hunting failures, stubbornness, and personal issues have somehow made a non-existent one preferable (or inevitable) to the business-like one.

And the longer I go without talking to him, the harder it becomes to just pick up the phone. The more I feel like I ought to have to report to him, and the more I realize that my life right now is in a complex state at a dangerous address with no great jobs on the horizon. I don't know if I'm afraid to admit my failures, just waiting to get back on my feet, both or neither.

And every day I go without calling him, the harder it gets.

Eel is a medical resident at the Gate City Medical Center. I've only been there on a couple of occasions, but suffice it to say it's a hospital like most that I've been to. There is a certain decorum that comes with a hospital. So many people with so many degrees trying to work on some of life's most immediate problems. Everyone there is extremely professional even though a number of them are residents still learning the trade. Most of the people there are either doing what they've spent several years training to do or are training to do what they will do with the rest of their lives.

I am an phone monkey Entertainment Consultant for OmniStar TV services. While most of my coworkers are quite professional on the phone, it's really a hodgepodge mixture of all kinds. One guy wears approximatly thirty thousands ear rings. Half the people there have tattooes. The only real dress code is that you can't wear sandles there, but no one follows even that code. Even the higher-ups there don't even get $10 an hour. Most of the people there are looking for better work.

You would not think that these two jobs would have much in common. Well, they don't, but they do have one thing in common: bribes. I mean, wonderful gifts provided to us by those that produce or manufacture the products that are at least part of our stock and trade.

Ten minutes in Eel's apartment will tell you exactly what I'm talking about. There are kind donations from drug companies all over the place. Every pen has some drug's name on it and she will never have to buy a stationary for as long as she lives (and she's only been there a year!). But even outside the apartment, the drug companies will cater food for the doctors in order to get their attention so that theoretically the next time they need to prescribe a painkiller, they'll remember Vlaximin Dentotum because of their pens, their stationary, and some delicious cupcakes.

Five minutes in my car will tell you that I'm in the same boat. Instead of saying Vlaximin Dentotum, it'll say Premiere Ticket or Allstar Sports Channel on it. I have a pen from each company. The good people from First Run Entertainment have had catered paistry-fests during our lunch hour. The Home Improvement Network gave me a little toolkit. Titanic Studios was giving away DVDs if you could just recite their sales pitch. I actually own a XXX t-shirt even though I have no desire to see the movie. Tell Film-Flam that you're trying to sell their package and they'll put you in a drawing for a free digital camera. So theoretically when we are picking a movie or sports package to upsell, we'll darn well remember who gave us that strawberry-filled croissant.

Eel prescribes whatever's the best value to her patients and I have yet to sell a Film-Flam package, but they wouldn't be doing it if it didn't work, would they?

I first saw the jacket at the University of Houston bookstore. I felt the odd need to touch it and when I felt the softest, nicest feeling fabric I'd ever felt. The red lettering of the school stood out marvellously against the dark blue fabric. Until I saw the price tag I just knew that I had to have it. Anna and I were both UH undergrads at the time and we were shopping for books together. When she saw the pained expression I had when I saw that the jacket cost $70, I'm sure she knew she just had to get that for me. She was making barely above minimum wage working at a cutesy gift store and it must have cost her a week's worth of wages, but I'd at least like to think that my overwhelming appreciation made it worth it to her.

I was keen to wear my tattered leather jacket at the time. Part of me was suspicious that it was all a plan to make stop wearing it. She was like that, at once considerate and devious. Devious in a benign sort of way. The leather jacket was ratty and its cuffs were held together by a clothes pin. The U of H jacket, on the other hand, was gorgous and something no one would mind seeing me in public with. Not long after that I ended up cutting the leather jacket up for a costume. It was no big deal because the only jacket I wore after getting it was the blue one. I lamented that I was only able to wear it a couple months out of the year.

Three years later, on the night we broke up, I was wearing that jacket.

Time has taken its toll my beloved blue jacket. The lining that kept the woven school name on it was coming out and the lettered stitching probably not far behind. The once dark blue color had faded into a less attractive washed-out grayish blue. It was still the nicest feeling fabric on the face of the earth.

I only brought up three jackets when I moved to Idaho. I thought about bringing more, but it felt redundant when I knew that any lined jacket would never be worn. In addition to being a great jacket, it was also one of the few articles of clothing with some real memories attached to it. It was one of the only two things that Anna gave me that I brought up, the other being the parting gift when I last saw her before I left. Though she and I have gone on to lead separate lives after we parted ways, it was a constant reminder of what we had.

If you've missed it, I'm using the past tense. In a couple of hours, I'm leaving the employment of the company that I work for that contracts out to OmniStar. The timing couldn't be worse as some time between leaving work on Thursday and leaving town on Friday, the jacket disappeared. I'd love to wave my fist in the air and curse some thief or something, but all evidence indicates that I left it in the break area at work with my clipboard, which is also missing. I checked the lost and found at work and it hasn't popped up yet. It's possible that someone turned it in over the weekend or that I might get it back through a lead that I have, but it seems doubtful.

I left a lot behind when I departed Houston. I left behind great music, collegiate football, my university, my city, two-thirds of my belongings, and countless loved ones. Now, it seems, I've lost yet another tie to my past.

The Height Gap [via MoN]
Fascinating account of comparative heights. Europe is growing taller and America is not. Japan has, in fact, almost caught up! It also explains the relevence of the numbers. The author tries to tie height to income variation (read: socialism), but admits late in the column that there's little to back him up. A lot of it comes down to general health, where the US's standing is not so good.

2004 Florida Voting Machine [via Lex]
Well, I suppose that's one way of making sure "every vote counts."

High-Stakes Convention: Poll Shows Support for Kerry Weakens on Issues and Attributes [via Jen]
I'm only linking to this as a follow-up to a previous RAW Links where the numbers were considerably more even. Though the overall race is tied, Bush is presently polling better on the issues (Bush 3, Tied 3, Kerry 0, a month ago it was 0-2-4) and on personal attributes (5-1-0 compared to 3-1-2 a month ago) (note: I conservatively use a 5-point margin-of-error instead of the poll's 3 point MOE). Standard disclaimer: There's a long way to go between now and November and the numbers are pretty versitile.

They weren't wearing black ties and white shirts....
In the comments section of one of my posts on LDS, Chris said that he'd be posting on his experiences with Mormons and he's made good on his word. An interesting couple of coincidences arise. First, an OmniStar coworker that answered some of my questions about LDS was also the son of a Presbyterian minister, though he was disowned after his conversion. His father's quote about how LDS gets converts is also exactly how my coworker was converted in the midst of his parents' divorce. The second coincidence is how similar his story is to the priceless Mormon episode of SouthPark.

Baby Cons in the Mist [via Amanda]
Jonah Goldberg tackles the idolatry revolving around the youth vote, coins a new phrase, and explains his secret plan to win an economic debate using funny armpit noises.

In case you missed it, Amanda Strassner is back

Who's That Pickin' a Banjee
I haven't picked up 1100 Springs latest, but Jack Sparks has and he can't stop listening to it. 1100's previous effort, Straighter Line, is one of the 10 most solid CD's that I've picked up since getting in to Texas Country. I need to look under my change for some money to get their newest, Bandwagon.

Eel has a pet peeve: Yuppy names.

It struck me as an odd pet peeve at first. Why would anyone pick that, of all things, to have a pet peeve about? But since she's been delivering babies and assisting the deliverance of babies, it makes more sense than, for instance, my catastrophic loss vulnerability to finger-nail polish. She gets a lot of weird names day in and day out. Since getting up here I am in complete agreement with her. You would not believe the names that people up here have. One of my trainer's names at OmniStar was actually named Laetwynn (not a psuedonym!) and when they were talking about their families up there, I'd say the name Kaden was far more prevalent than the name Chris. Part of the rationale for this is for originality. But an article from Health & Medical News says that they might should hold their horses in that regard:

Some parents today who invent some original name for their baby, like 'Grast', could - through simple random chance - unwittingly be determining the names of thousands of children 10 years from now," said Bentley, of the college's Centre for the Evolutionary Analysis of Cultural Behaviour, which uses biological ideas to understand cultural change.

Using British and U.S. government data, Bentley and Hahn tracked the popularity of the top 1,000 first names for baby girls and boys in the U.S. for every decade in the 20th century.

They found that a few names were thousands of times more popular than the majority with many uncommon names. They said the distribution followed an "elegant mathematical function," called a power law, that is maintained over 100 years, even though the population is growing.

Hahn and Bentley developed a model which closely predicts the distribution of name popularity over the last century. The model is based on the population genetics concept of 'random genetic drift', in which the frequency of genes in a population fluctuates according to chance, and where there is only a small population of breeding parents.

The most yuppy name that I ever considered was Bailey, if Anna and I had a boy. It would actually be Rayford Baylor Whitlock with Bailey shorthand (yes, I'm aware that Bailey and Baylor are both 6 letters, but Charles and Charlie are both seven with the shorthand name having more syllables than the formal one). That would have been allowed because Baylor is a family name (I'm somehow actually related to the University's founder on my mother's side of the family). The chosen girl's name was Jodine Clair Whitlock, Jodie for short, named after grandrelatives. Eel will have to tell me whether that's yuppy of not :).

One name that hadn't been born yet and that I doubt I will consider in the future is ESPN. But apparently I'm behind the curve on that:

His parents said ESPN loves baseball, basketball and football, and Rebecca said she's hoping to have his room done in sports theme before the TV ESPN comes.

And, of course, ESPN enjoys watching SportsCenter every night with his father.

However, Michael and Rebecca said they don't think the name will put pressure on him to become a superstar athlete; they're just catering to his interests at the moment.

All in all, Rebecca said, she likes unique names. She wanted to name her two younger daughters "Disney" but was shot down both times by Michael. They compromised on Sterling, now 21 months, and Kendall, now 11 months.

If the McCalls have another son, would he be "The Deuce?"

Well, if ESPN had a twin, his name would be "EXPN." However, the McCalls don't watch solely ESPN for their sports. They planned "Fox Sports McCall" for a second son.

Espen (the way it's supposed to be pronounced) would be a yuppy name. I think it would be a disservice to yuppy names to call ESPN a yuppy name.

In the comment section of the Fireant Gazette post that inspired my Cable a la Carte post, the subject of parental control came up. One of the reasons given by the FCC for the a la carte plan was to allow parents not to get objectionable material to keep it away from their children (or their spouses or themselves, for that matter). Eric and I batted back and forth over the merits of this particular method of reasserting parental control, though in a friendly manner that was missing in my discussion with Nathan on the same subject.

The issue at hand is what responsibility an outside society (in this case, entertainment producers and distributors as well as the government) has in protecting our young from material that may adversely affect their dispositions. In other words, what can we do about the smut, the blood, and the commercialism and who can do it?

This is an issue that I am greatly conficted about. Much moreso as I consider the childen I hope to some day have and noticing, as I get older, that the biddies were not entirely wrong: Negative cultural influences do, in fact, affect society quite negatively. Violent video games do not compel someone to go out and kill people, but there is a case to be made that they do adversely affect our approach and reaction to the violence. Truth be told, though, I am personally more interested in the sex and materialism promoted by popular entertainment.

When we're young and impressionable, we take cues from the society in which we live. Our values are usually incorporated by what we consider normal and reasonable. It provides us with a frame of reference and a prysm by which we will see the outside world that can only be undone by personal experiences that contradict what we were presented in our younger years (or crass rebellion). That's why most children of Republicans grow up to be Republicans, most Democrats to be Democrats, most Christians to be Christians, and so on.

It is an unfortunate fact that from our youth onward an increasing amount of our interaction with society is done through television and radio. More unfortunate still is that the cues we pick up there then influence the society that we interact with when we're unplugged. It usurps our value system and before we know it, we've taken cues from completely staged events that are not accountable to honest human behavior at all. Anyone my age that can still say that we have compartmentalized popular entertainment and that it has had no bearing on our own lives and perceptions or the lives and perceptions of those around them hasn't been looking closely enough.

Entertainment smut didn't invent sex, but it has given us a familiarity with it unknown to previous generations (not altogether a bad thing, to be sure) and it has warped our view of it (a bad thing). Entertainment violence didn't invent violence, but again comes the familiarity (in this case probably a more bad thing than not) and given many of us a sense of detachment from it (a bad thing). The commercials on television and the pervasive nature of material goods (which are not altogether unimportant to a story in a visual medium such as television) didn't invent materialism, but it has given us limitless ways with which to be superficially materialistic (a bad thing).

So on one hand we have all of these things. On the other hand, there isn't a clear answer to me as to what we as a society can do about it. As individual parents and heads or co-heads of households, we can set our own parameters. Unfortunately, the mere act of doing so risks social alienation and casts boundaries between the kids and their peers, making them the exception and making it more difficult to integrate. If all the other kids are jumping off a bridge, your kid may be wise not to but he will forever be branded a coward. I believe that there is a trade-off to be made here, though I will probably fall more on the side of exceptionalism rather than integration than did my parents, who fell more on that side than did most other parents. (Of course, what I say I will do and how I react when my kid is crying cause he's left out of all conversations about the latest video game console are two different things. We'll see how that turns out.)

But ultimately, what other parents do will affect the environment in which our children will be raised. Therefore it is not enough, in my mind, to take the libertarian approach that no one should tell anyone else what to watch or listen to. This stuff matters! On the other hand, using the government to compell people to avoid certain things and limiting their access to said things is censorship. I don't believe censorship to be uniformly evil, but I do believe it to be unhealthy for a society and unless lines are clearly drawn before hand a difficult ball to stop rolling.

For the most part, that line has been drawn in two places: government censorship and advertiser accountability.

The first place is with broadcast entertainment, where it's been decided that the government (the FCC, in this case) can regulate what is and is not shown on the airwaves. The idea behind this is that the airwaves belong to the public and therefore the public, through its elected representatives, can decide what is and is not appropriate for it. Though I'm uncertain to the degree that I buy this logic, I do agree with the result. The broadcast market is inherently limited because there are only so many frequencies that can be assigned. Since somebody has to make those decisions, the government is the most obvious arbiter when it comes to matters of decency and to matters of corporate consolidation of media.

That logic does not, however, hold true for private entertainment venues including movie theaters, private performance venues, and to cable television and satellite (TV and radio). Because these are forms of entertainment in which the customer actively paid money for the entertainment, it is presumed that he or she is responsible for what they see and hear. If you don't want to see or hear it, some are quick to point out, don't buy it. However, cable and satellite television are subject to a different form of expression-limitation in the form of advertisers. The edgier a show gets, the more likely advertisers are to shy away from it and the less money they are likely to get. This form of self-policing is the only thing that separates regular cable from premium cable. Premium cable, like satellite radio and often (though not always) theaters and private performance venues, is only limited by whether or not they can bring in enough people to make money. Their only concerns are picketers and boycotters, and they are particularly vulnerable to neither and therefore not accountable to the public at large, provided they aren't doing anything illegal.

The FCC does not currently have the power to regulate the content of cable and satellite, though there have been noises made recently to give the FCC that power.

That's where I start getting awfully skittish.

I'm more conservative about what should be available for the consumption of minors compared to what I personally prefer to indulge in. I am an adult and believe that I am capable, for the most part, of determining what is and is not appropriate for me. Whatever limitations I may have, I put more faith in my own judgment than that of the government. I like edgier programming that doesn't pull punches. I have a particular distaste for gratuitous sex and violence, so I don't like sex and violence for the sake of sex and violence. But a lot of the stuff I like has sex and violence in it. Sometimes it's necessary and sometimes I wish it weren't there, but if people looking for that sort of thing contribute to a show's success (and therefore its continued production) then so be it.

So the problem is how do we try to restrict access to minors while allowing adults freedom of entertainment choice? It's a question with no clear answer, in my view. In some ways I think I've resigned myself to the fact that a lot of kids will continually be exposed to material that warps their minds because most parents do not monitor what their kids are watching, listening to, or playing. There is, unfortunately, not a whole lot that can be done about that without limiting options for consenting adults. However, I do believe that we ought to give concerned adults every possible paddle with which to swim upstream against the prevailing tides (to mix my metaphors).

A long while back I wrote about ClearPlay, a company in Utah that edits movies, puts them on take, and sends back a cleaner version to their customers. A lot of people apparently disagree because it endorses parental laziness and/or hinders the artistic integrity of the original work (Ironically, many of the same people are big boosters of the "Fair Use Act" a concept which allows people to do what they want with artistic works that they purchase, provided they don't start giving it away.), but I think it's pretty silly to prohibit parents from taking a more active role in shaping their children -- even if I don't agree with the methods employed (I would never use ClearPlay).

I am also a big supporter of satellite companies and their attempts to help parents set guidelines for what will and will not come through on their sets. DirecTV has Locks & Limits and DISH Network has Adult Guard, both of which can not only cut off certain channels but all shows above a certain rating (or below, depending on how you look at it). There is also the good ole V-Chip, which can block television coming from any direction (though it's not nearly as easy to use as the satellite options are).

The unfortunate thing, though, is that most of these methods are not really utilized. The V-Chip is something of a relic and it never really took off even among those trained how to do it. Though it only took a couple minutes to talk someone through OmniStar's parental control system, I got as many calls from people that accidentally turned it on as I did parents actually wanting to use it. Though I'd like to think that's just cause they figured it out, I doubt it.

The unfortunate reality is that cleaner television is something most parents say they really want, but a much smaller amount are willing to take even smaller steps towards that end. And ultimately I don't think a government can do parents' jobs for them. And unfortunately that means things are unlikely to change any time soon.